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VINCENT: gay, mid 50鈥檚, pudgy, public school science teacher

MOTHER: Vincent鈥檚 mother, as she lives in his head. Begins with mild dementia, moves into full-blown aphasic stage of Alzheimer鈥檚 disease.

JERRY: gay, just turned 40, dedicated nurse on the geriatric ward that houses Vincent鈥檚 mother

GRANDPA: Jerry鈥檚 Grandpa Damiano, who died when Jerry was 15, but lives on inside his head. Italian accent, immigrated from Italy with his family when he was 10. As remembered by Jerry, he is dying of emphysema.

PERFORMANCE NOTE: All of these characters can be played by a single actor. It is also possible to perform this with all four roles played by a different actor. A third production possibility is to have the actor who plays Vincent also play his Mother, and for the actor who plays Jerry to also play his Grandpa Damiano.

TIME

The present day

PLACE

London

PROPS AND COSTUME REQUIREMENTS

This is best performed with a few costume pieces and props to suggest each character, highly recommend using a coat rack up-center that has all the props and costume pieces pre-set. Transitions between characters are to be performed as quickly as possible. Cole Porter tunes (easily available on I-Tunes) can be used during these brief transitions, especially songs referred to in the script, such as: Begin the Beguine, Anything Goes, etc. Especially useful is the early 1930鈥檚 Fred Astaire version of 鈥淣ight and Day鈥� available on I-Tunes; this has a poignancy to it that fits as both opening music to introduce the show, and instrumental interludes perfect for moments when the actor needs to change character.

VINCENT: a suit coat, pair of glasses, a bag of candy with a handgun in it.

JERRY: a stethoscope draped around the neck, sometimes wears an old sweater once worn by his Grandpa and lovingly preserved; his Grandpa鈥檚 old cane hangs on his coatrack. No glasses.

GRANDPA: wears the old sweater, huge glasses, a handkerchief in his pocket for coughing and expectorating, a cane he depends on when he walks.

MOTHER: wears huge dark sunglasses, glamorous frames; a huge diva-style scarf.

Editor's Note: This play contains adult language. This is the original script, as shared by the author.

(Lights up on Vincent, who is dancing to the music of Cole Porter: 鈥淣ight and Day鈥�: if possible, use the Fred Astaire version on I-Tunes. Vincent is in the first flush of a new love, and high on the excitement of it. As the song fades, he stops, laughs, and turns to the audience)

VINCENT

(direct address)

Somebody just proposed to me on the fucking phone. What鈥檚 up with this? It鈥檚 our third god damn date! Ever since the Fucking Gay activists started messing with this marriage thing鈥rap! Now, anybody gets interested in spending some time with you, before you know it, there鈥檚 that WORD. People getting married just so they can have their pictures taken in matching tuxedos, those ridiculous cakes with two grooms on top鈥kay, okay, I get it, you鈥檝e already been together twenty seven years, you鈥檝e raised kids and/or golden retrievers together, and you want to be able to hold the guy鈥檚 hand in the ICU when the time comes. Fine. But on the third damn date??

On the other hand, it鈥檚 not as if I am swamped with offers, have to see if I鈥檝e got room in my schedule. A faggot over forty, I don鈥檛 care how hard he works out, and I work out hard, to stay hard, if you get my drift. But still, unless you can afford the nip and tuck, and what public school science teacher can afford the nip and tuck?

And Jerry, well鈥erry is a fountain of flattery. Not just an occasional little something, but a steady stream of the kind of stuff I haven鈥檛 heard since鈥ell, nobody鈥檚 talked to me like that since I only had to shave once a week!

So yes, part of me wants to run to Facebook and post it in all caps, with four exclamation points: Fag Over Forty Gets Proposal From Guy Who鈥檚 Not Awful. Is that too cruel? How about Fag Over Forty Gets Proposal From Guy Who is Okay-Looking? And he鈥檚 a nurse, for fuck鈥檚 sake. How many fantasies does that one fulfill? Sponge bath: check. Take my temperature: oh, please do! Last night I asked him to keep his little uniform on. The best part is he鈥檚 not an actor. Gay in Manhattan, if they don鈥檛 design anything, they鈥檙e actors. Or think they are. My mother had a very short career as an actress, followed by a very long career of marrying actors. After my father, the ridiculous character actor Stevie Chase; there was Peter, then Scott, and that dipshit who called himself R. Gregory Portnoy, she finally had it with the whole genus and species. That last one, 鈥淩. Gregory鈥�, like we all don鈥檛 know what an ego trip that is, like putting your insecurity up in sixty-point Arial fucking- bold. Mother used to say that R. Gregory asked her for a divorce at a West End musical during intermission. Who breaks up with somebody at intermission, for fuck鈥檚 sake? According to Mother, he broke up with her after standing in line all intermission to get her a highball, and she said, loud enough to be heard in Hell鈥檚 Kitchen, 鈥淛esus, Rodney! Can鈥檛 you wait until after the chandelier comes down to stomp all over my fucking heart!鈥� Mother鈥檚 a pistol. Or, to be technical about it, she used to be a pistol. Now, she鈥檚 more like a potted plant.

VINCENT

(肠辞苍鈥檛)

They were terrible husbands, my own father included, but they were actors, you know? And acting came first. I get it. Believe me. I do. According to Mother, Stevie Chase used to say to her that 鈥渁ll actors are selfish pricks.鈥� And then he proved it. By walking out on her when I was still in diapers. To take a second banana job on a sitcom. Finally, one happy marriage, one out of five. Husband number five? He inherited a company which he cheerfully ran into the ground while spending most of his time fishing. After forty, you don鈥檛 call them step-fathers, you call them鈥 called him Dave. Which used to piss him off, because his name was Harold. Harold, who鈥檚 chief virtue was that he wouldn鈥檛 even attend the theater, not even for something manly, by Sam Shepherd.

One happy marriage out of five. Now, one could use that data set to come to the conclusion that marriage itself is crap. But Mother and Harold had a great ten years. And there鈥檚 a lot to be said for anything that can give you a great ten years. Or five. I鈥檇 settle for one. One good year. One good marriage out of five鈥our out of five sushi restaurants are crap, but you find that right one鈥t鈥檚 heaven. And Jerry has his moments where he is so perfect, it鈥檚 almost as if somebody took my order for take out, and had him delivered.

So now I鈥檓 all hot. And you know what, when I get hot, I eat pasta. On account of the first guy I ever had it all over for, half-Jewish, half-Italian. Carlo Levine. Used to call him my Israeli- Italian Stallion. We鈥檇 do it three times in a row, and then he鈥檇 cook. Brisket lasagna. Surprisingly good. Jerry鈥檚 one hundred percent Italian. But he鈥檚 more of an Italian Shetland Pony. But cute. And younger than me, hallay-fuckin-luya! So I鈥檓 going over to Alberto鈥檚 and I鈥檓 going to eat lasagna until I know what to say to that outrageous marriage proposal. I can go to the gym tomorrow.

JERRY

Twenty-five years of datin鈥�, and after the first twenty you begin to learn somethin鈥�. And this is what you learn, if you鈥檙e smart. Go slow. Go slow!! Give yourself time to find out that he organizes his sock drawer alphabetically, by designer. Let it just naturally come up in the conversation that he can鈥檛 sleep unless he鈥檚 had four shots of bourbon. So, of course, I proposed to him after the third date. On the fuckin鈥� phone!

(re-creates the phone call)

Vincent? You鈥檙e gonna laugh at me, but I started looking at flats yesterday, and I saw this amazing two bedroom near the park, it鈥檚 almost in Notting Hill, you can see it from there. You can pretend you live in Notting Hill, and I鈥檒l pretend my face isn鈥檛 forty and鈥nd we can go up to Brighton. They got a package deal up there, at the Theatre Royal, we can see a matinee of 鈥淎nything Goes鈥�, and then we can鈥icar, witnesses, and a cake. Hotel room on the water鈥� I am not rushing!鈥kay, I鈥檓 sorta rushing鈥o, don鈥檛 you dare! Don鈥檛 you dare!鈥es, it could be because I鈥檓 a psycho nut job but I鈥檓 not, I know 鈥榚m when I see 鈥榚m, I鈥檓 the one that puts them in restraints鈥hat gets you hot doesn鈥檛 it? Now who鈥檚 the psycho nut job?鈥�

JERRY

(cont)

(back to addressing the audience)

I鈥檝e got to get ready for the big date. He doesn鈥檛 want to say yes or no on the phone. I mean, I put him in a helluva spot.

My grandfather Damiano used to say 鈥淵ou gonna make some lucky boy a good wife鈥�, he鈥檇 say that, and he鈥檇 laugh until he couldn鈥檛 breathe any more. That鈥檚 how he died. No, really. He died laughing. In my arms.

Don鈥檛 know why all of a sudden I鈥檓 thinking about Grandpa D. He used to help me run lines, my very first part in a musical.

(As he puts on his jacket and combs his hair, he sings acapella an excerpt from鈥淔riendship,鈥� from 鈥淎nything Goes鈥�)

IF YOU EVER LOSE YOUR MIND, I'LL BE KIND.

IF YOU EVER LOSE YOUR SHIRT, I'LL BE HURT.

IF YOU'RE EVER IN A MILL AND GET SAWED IN HALF,

I WON'T LAUGH.

IT'S FRIENDSHIP, FRIENDSHIP,

JUST A PERFECT BLENDSHIP,

WHEN OTHER FRIENDSHIPS HAVE BEEN 'FORGATE'

OURS WILL STILL BE GREAT!

He鈥檇 love Vincent.

GRANDPA

Anybody out there wanna know, this is where you go when you die. Well, this is ONE of the places you go when you die. I dunno about no heaven, hell or purgatory, but this here鈥檚 where I went when I died. I went into my grandson鈥檚 brain. For to give him agita, when he鈥檚 not doin鈥� what he鈥檚 supposed to be doin鈥�.

Bein鈥� in Jerry鈥檚 brain, it鈥檚 kinda strange. Not because of what you鈥檙e thinking. I never cared one way or the other that Jerry鈥檚 one of those, what鈥檚 the word they use these days, when they鈥檙e trying to make it sound like it鈥檚 no so much a big deal? 鈥淕ay鈥�, like they鈥檙e all happy all the time.

When I saw him for the first time, I said to him, 鈥淏et you just had your Confirmation. Here鈥檚 five bucks from your Grandpa Damiano.鈥� As I鈥檓 opening up my wallet, the little guy stops me, and he says 鈥淪o, you鈥檙e my Grandpa? How come you weren鈥檛 here for my Confirmation?鈥� I鈥檓 tryin鈥� to give the kid money, he won鈥檛 take it! He says, 鈥淗ow come you weren鈥檛 here for my First Communion?鈥� I tell him, 鈥淲ay back then, I wasn鈥檛 speaking to any of my children, not even your sweet Momma. On account of one stupid lie, one lousy, stupid lie. Listen to me, boy; the truth, it matters. Without it, waddaya got?鈥�

GRANDPA

(cont)

That shut him up. His Momma tell him, Grandpa D, he is gonna be here for a couple of weeks. He gonna share your room, is that okay? He never seen me before, I gotta do something to let him know it鈥檚 okay, share the same room with the strange Grandpa. Told him if he was a good boy, no bother me, Grandpa Damiano would give him a special treat once a month. The very first time I took him to the Metropolitan Opera, it was Rigoletto. Lucky for me, the kid fell in love with the whole deal. Sang half the damn opera back to me on the subway, all the way home. Actin鈥� out the scenes, pretty good. Not so hammy, but with dignity, like the Great Ones. I start to think, he got the gift.

I stayed in Jerry鈥檚 room for five years and sixteen days, four hours, and twelve minutes. That鈥檚 when it caught up with me, the Lucky Strikes. What a name for somethin鈥� that kills you slow, like you鈥檙e drownin鈥� just sittin in a chair, just tryin鈥� to take one more breath. Just one more. Just鈥ne鈥ore鈥�

(he pretends to die: then jumps up)

Then I鈥檇 jump up and say, Just teasin鈥� you kid! Hey, what are you cryin鈥� about, like a baby! Some day, you gonna come in here, and, like I said, it鈥檚 gonna be what it鈥檚 gonna be.

For the last 28 years, since I been dead, I been tryin鈥� to get this kid鈥檚 attention. Because, if you got the gift, you gotta use it. And the job he鈥檚 been doing, a very important job, still, it鈥檚 not the place for him. And I鈥檓 not gonna rest until he鈥檚 where he gotta be. So I give him some agita. Somebody gotta do it.

(he yells)

Hey, Jerry! You gotta the gift, you gotta go out there and use it!

VINCENT

In a way, in a deeply weird way, my mother fixed us up. I鈥檇 made up my mind last month, it was going to be the last time I went out there, to that sad creepy place they called Ward A: Ward A for Alzheimer鈥檚. It sounds terrible, that I wasn鈥檛 going to come back, but it isn鈥檛, because she does not know me. She thinks I鈥檓 the aide, or the man she once screwed on a cruise ship, or the undertaker at her last husband鈥檚 funeral. Apparently she had him right then and there, on his desk, while he was trying to sell her a top of the line casket for husband number five. Talk about TMI! No wonder I was freaking out in the hallway, thinking I am not ever coming back to this fucking freak show when this cute male nurse came by and took me to the cafeteria. Jerry, he was so鈥� calm, you know? Some people just have the gift.

He looked concerned, not that phony professional type, the kind of look they give you when looking concerned is part of their fucking job description. And then he got specific, like he knew that was the only way my mind would slow down; he made me follow him, dropping little breadcrumbs of logic, a trail leading me out of chaos into order. He knew what to say: 鈥淭his happens all the time. They may not even be real memories. Nobody knows.鈥� And then, he started to cite鈥� research.

VINCENT

(cont)

What can I say? Science makes me hot. And there we were. Our eyes locked onto each other for dear life, and we ended up in that old clich茅 of TV medical shows everywhere, in the supply closet, making love in a room full of catheters, bed pans, and the biggest supply of Depends I鈥檇 ever seen. That was date number one. Well, I count it as a date. Date number two, I took him out. Cabaret night. The music of Mister Cole Porter鈥�. There is nothing more romantic than Mister Cole Porter. Mother practically raised me on Cole Porter. Went to sleep in the cradle with her singing 鈥淏egin the Beguine.鈥� Mister Porter was such a part of my life, when I lost my virginity I could hear myself singing, 鈥淲hen you are screwed by Carlo Levine鈥濃€�.Maybe it was just the music, but鈥� Jerry and me, we made love at my place for about six-times longer than I鈥檝e been able to make love since the Clinton administration. Without a pill or anything. Just鈥ole Porter and Jerry. Date number three, I thought for the first time ever, this could be The One. The One to Keep.

It鈥檚 not as if I planned it, or anything, but when he asked me about my mother, I told him that I鈥檓 adopted. I had to. So he wouldn鈥檛 be looking at me for signs, every time I forgot where I put my keys. So he wouldn鈥檛 look at me the way I look at her鈥� if we ever鈥f we could have鈥� a future.

MOTHER

(while unwrapping and sensuously licking a huge red-striped candy cane)

This is where every mother goes when she dies. Into the brains of her children. Did I ever tell you, I was about to become a star? My West End debut. Would have knocked their fucking SOCKS off. But no, I had to get knocked up. By the time the show opened out of town, I couldn鈥檛 hide it any more. When Vincent was a little boy, I made him watch me. All those hours, I鈥檇 be trying to get back my figure. Figure it out. Outrageous. The size of me, after I had him. Big as a beach ball, balled up, bawling. I used to say to Vincent, 鈥淚f you hadn鈥檛 come along right in the middle of rehearsals, I would have been a star.鈥� But I gave it all up for you, my darling boy. All for you. How many times did I say it? After a while, I didn鈥檛 need the words. Just a look. I got a whole suite of rooms here. Doesn鈥檛 matter that I鈥檓 not technically dead. What鈥檚 odd is having some sense when he鈥檚 actually visiting what鈥檚 left of me, you know? It鈥檚 like I can see what鈥檚 left of myself through him, and that can be very disorienting, like that scene in the movie鈥ith the mirrors, all those reflections in all those鈥ost famous movie in the world鈥ho wrote the damn thing?鈥ells? Dells? Welles! Orson Welles!

(she takes an exaggerated bow)

Pretty good, I got both first and last names of a guy who鈥檚 been dead a long time, a guy who used to sell wines, but not before their time鈥hat the hell was the name of that movie? I鈥檓 thinking about candy, and Christmas鈥�

MOTHER

(cont)

I used to love these peppermint things that have the loop thing, and you can hold them in the loop part and lick the straight part. Striped like a zebra, but not the color of the zebra鈥ell, one color of the zebra. The white part. But the other color, that鈥檚 the color of the people in Russia. Candy cane! And here it comes鈥he name of the movie鈥itizen Kane!

(she takes an exaggerated bow)

If I could still talk, for fuck鈥檚 sake, I鈥檇 tell him, marry this man, Larry. Barry. Jerry! He reminds me of my last husband鈥� what鈥檚 his name. That wasn鈥檛 his name. If you remember what it was, will you let me know?

GRANDPA

Well, I鈥檓 awake now, because Jerry鈥檚 talking to his head doctor. Not the 鈥淗ead Doctor鈥�, the HEAD doctor, for to working on Jerry鈥檚 head. And I鈥檓 awake because the one thing Jerry wants to do more than anything, the minute he sits down with his head doctor, he wants to smoke.

The head doctor, she think his mind is all busy thinking about the things she tell him, all the kind of ways he can get fixed up. She would laugh like crazy, she know what I know鈥ll he鈥檚 thinking about is SMOKE SMOKE SMOKE SMOKE SMOKE!

(he laughs again until he can鈥檛 breathe)

I come to his house, nobody smokes no more but me. His Momma, his Poppa, they all gave it up when the government started putting that shit on the side of the pack, all about cancer. CANCER, CANCER, CANCER, CANCER, CANCER! Hah! I smoked every damn day from the time I was nine years old, and I never once got cancer!

(he laughs again until he can鈥檛 breathe)

Emphysema, that I got.

I used to make Jerry go buy my Lucky Strikes for me. Nowadays, maybe they wouldn鈥檛 sell Lucky Strikes to a little boy, but in 19 75, all you gotta say is 鈥淚 buyin鈥� these for my Grandpa.鈥� Now, it got a little tricky when they put me on the oxygen. They tell me, that tank gonna explode, I smoke with the oxygen. My daughter Marie, Jerry鈥檚 Momma, she thinks she鈥檚 won, by golly. Says my smokin鈥� days are over, by golly. But I鈥檓 so much smarter than her, by golly! That鈥檚 the way it鈥檚 supposed to be, the man does what he wants, when he wants. Even if he gotta sneak off sometimes to do it.

A week after I died, Jerry found the last of my Lucky Strikes, and that was the first time he smoked. That was also the first time I woke up in his brain.. I kept yellin鈥� at him, 鈥淒on鈥檛 do it, don鈥檛 do it, don鈥檛 do it!鈥� But the more I yell, the more he smoke. After a while I don鈥檛 even try no more.

So nowadays, Jerry, he gotta sneak around to smoke, too. The other nurses, they think he quit. now he has to walk five blocks away, make sure nobody sees him smoke.

GRANDPA

(cont)

Sometimes, he only got a few minutes, he gotta RUN the five blocks! Then, he starts to cough so hard, he almost decides not to smoke when he gets there!

(he laughs again until he can鈥檛 breathe)

Two things I need to see, two things; he gotta be on the stage, and he gotta stop smoking. But I don鈥檛 know how I鈥檓 gonna get him to do these things. I try yelling, it don鈥檛 do any good. I try dropping little hints, it don鈥檛 do no good, either. One thing I manage to do, I get him to go to the Head Doctor. And god damn, the Mrs. Head Doctor, SHE gets it! Like I can鈥檛 get to Jerry if I scream at the top of my lungs鈥�

(he laughs again until he can鈥檛 breathe)

Or what鈥檚 left of my lungs.

But I whisper the tiniest little thing to him, and SHE hears it.

JERRY

(speaking to his unseen shrink)

Doctor Lieberman, you鈥檒l be happy to know, I鈥檓 down to just a pack a day. Really! Well, maybe a few more. But not a pack and a half. Those days are gone! I know, I know. you鈥檝e been telling me for years, but Vincent鈥e wants me to quit. Says he wants me around for a long, long time.

The most attractive thing about him is鈥� who knows? Chemistry, I guess. All those same old same old things, the tried and true things, it just feels right, yadda yadda yadda. And he keeps visiting his mother. He鈥檚 adopted, which makes it even sweeter, the bond they have together鈥ou should see the care he takes when he brushes her hair.

And I鈥檓 kind of jealous, in a way, watching the two of them, together. I mean, my mother鈥ou know why I keep going out to that little shit-hole row house where I grew up鈥� man, she lets me know, if I don鈥檛 come, she鈥檒l feel鈥ell, she feels like that anyway, no matter how many times I go all the way out there. She鈥檚 not shy about telling me, my sister, anybody within earshot. Thank God she doesn鈥檛 know how to use a computer, she鈥檇 update her Facebook every five minutes鈥�4:15, and kids still have not called. 4:20, still abandoned in Queens with three sick cats and an old goat who won鈥檛 take his medication鈥�4:25, I know Jerry鈥檚 off shift at 4, so why no phone call? 4:30, took the quiz, 鈥淲hich Abandoned Mother Type are You鈥�, and it came out, 鈥淢other Who Deserves Better.鈥�

But Vincent鈥檚 mother, she鈥檚 gone to the Other Place. That鈥檚 what we call them, on the ward, when they don鈥檛 even recognize their kids. We don鈥檛 want to say it out loud, sometimes we just say, 鈥淟ooks like Mrs. Silverstein went to the O.P. this weekend.鈥� After that, the family, they freak out. If she doesn鈥檛 know if they鈥檝e been there or not, then鈥t鈥檚 easy to stop coming. They don鈥檛 get any points for showing up or not showing up, you know? On the ward, we give extra props to the ones who come鈥� after that.

JERRY

(cont)

That says something about a person, doesn鈥檛 it? They aren鈥檛 there to get the gold star, the hug and kiss, the 鈥渢hanks for coming鈥�, a moment where she lays her head on your shoulder and says, "aren鈥檛 you a good son to come and see me every week鈥�. At least I get that, along with a side order of guilt to go. At least I get something back. Vincent gets鈥e just gets to brush her hair. You should see how he does it. So careful, it breaks your heart.

That鈥檚 how I know it鈥檚 right, it鈥檚 right to get married so soon, it鈥檚 right to skip the months of dating and the obsessing and the awful ups and downs of maybe, maybe not鈥鈥檒l tell you how I know. He鈥檚 coming out of the closet for me. No offense, Dr. Lieberman, but there are certain things about being gay that even a good shrink doesn鈥檛 know, not really, not like we do. I was never in the closet鈥ut Vincent鈥檚 generation, they all grew up lying about themselves. But my generation, we鈥檙e here, we鈥檙e queer, and鈥ell, you know. So when I found out Vincent still hadn鈥檛 come out, I put my foot down. Yes, little scaredy-cat me put my dainty little nurse鈥檚 foot down, and said it was time. Because, truth matters, you know? I mean, without it, waddaya got?

He makes me want to have a backbone, Dr. Lieberman. He makes me want to fight for him. And I鈥檝e made him come out from the dark. You should see him, he鈥檚 got a lightness to him now, and it鈥檚 a gift I gave him. Little me.

And besides, he makes me feel like鈥ike I can take a stab at it again. I know I said I鈥檇 never go back to it, but Vincent makes me feel like I can do anything, like it鈥檚 not too late! Every other man I鈥檝e been with, I want to make them happy. That鈥檚 what I thought it was, you know? Them letting me in far enough, I can make THEM happy. But Vincent, he wants to make ME happy.鈥� And when I think about what makes me happy鈥hat used to make me happy鈥 signed up for acting classes again. Neighborhood Playhouse. I鈥檓 not gonna say anything to Vincent, not yet, don鈥檛 want to jinx it, I鈥檓 not sure, it may not lead to anything鈥nd it would be awful to make the Big Announcement and then find out I don鈥檛 have it any more. My Grandpa D, he used to call it 鈥渢he gift,鈥� like it arrived, and you didn鈥檛 have to work for it. Part of it comes from some place, like it 鈥渁rrives.鈥�. But if you don鈥檛 work at it鈥�. Maybe it鈥檚 gone. We鈥檒l see.

VINCENT

I didn鈥檛 mean to say 鈥測es鈥� or 鈥渘o.鈥� We were going to live awhile with 鈥渕aybe.鈥� But he looked at me, looked at me when I was totally naked, the lights were on鈥hat was Jerry鈥檚 idea. Wanted to make love with the lights on. God, I didn鈥檛 think I could ever get it up knowing that somebody could see the love handles. I mean, the fat just jiggles. And the phrase 鈥減leasingly plump鈥� went out with Elvis, for God鈥檚 sake. Nobody鈥檚 鈥減leasingly plump鈥�, the only way to be pleasing is to have abs. Six pack. Washboard. Even the fucking President has abs!! Somebody sent me a card with Obama鈥檚 swim-suit picture on it, 鈥淪olid as Barack鈥�! Not an ounce of fat on him, the bastard! Obama on the beach is practically soft-core porn!

VINCENT

(cont)

Whereas a picture of me on the beach is so horrifying, it belongs in a Jenny Craig ad. One of those awful before and after things. Only I鈥檓 doomed to be a perpetual 鈥渂efore鈥�, no matter how many of those spoon-sized meals I manage to choke down. They come in the mail, the Jenny Craig meals. Plain brown wrappers. Used to have my porn sent that way, and now鈥�

He had to get me drunk before I鈥檇 do it. So now I鈥檓 sailing under the power of Captain Morgan, if you know what I mean鈥� That鈥檚 why the Jamaicans are a happy people, mon! Used to go down there, when I was a hot, young thing, every year during the winter break; drink anything with rum in it, and lay out on the beach, advertising. Look at this 30 year-old body, take a good look, it could be yours, tonight!

Since the love handles moved in, I鈥檝e learned to love the dark.

But Jerry got me drunk, and stripped my clothes off, one garment at a time, in the light, and he kissed me everywhere. When he got to those parts of me that I hate the most, he kissed me there with the most exquisite attention and..tenderness鈥hat I cried. Look, there are queens who cry at the opening credits of a Golden Girl鈥檚 episode, and I鈥檝e always hated that. I鈥檓 gay, but I鈥檓 not a fairy, I don鈥檛 know if that sounds harsh or not, I don鈥檛 give a fuck. Whoever said you had to be a quivering mass of sentimentality just because you like to fuck men, well, fuck that. Like my lab partner, freshman bio, the flaming queen who got all weepy, and blubbered all over the frog we dissected. Went on and on about the last moments of this poor frog, as if it had been a freaking Muppet or something, started singing to it, 鈥淚t wasn鈥檛 easy being green鈥濃€ives homosexuality a bad name. I prefer the term 鈥渉omosexual.鈥� Perfectly good term, Latin classification, clinical, descriptive.

Christ, Jerry鈥檚 got no idea what would happen if I actually came out. What the little bastards who sit in the back row would say, Jesus H., forget about鈥orget about鈥hen they鈥檙e supposed to be, but they aren鈥檛, and you have to make them, but you can鈥檛, it鈥檚 in the classroom, it鈥檚 them in the classroom, it鈥檚鈥� you HAVE to IMPOSE it on the classroom鈥istinction鈥istraction鈥iscipline. Discipline in the classroom.

FUCK ME!!

When the doctor first told me, sometimes it runs in the family, I said to myself, if the time comes鈥鈥檒l just go out in the woods someplace, anyplace, and put a gun to my head. But Jerry, the way he talks about it鈥� he says, Alzheimer鈥檚 has鈥� a tenderness to being cared for, to being fed by another鈥檚 hand, a sweetness鈥erry says they still enjoy a touch, a kiss, only they enjoy it with more intensity, because they know it鈥檚 all they have. Sometimes it is just enough, to put your arms around another human being, and feel that鈥otal acceptance. He says, some times鈥here鈥檚 joy there. The land of Total Acceptance.

So鈥hree weeks from now. In Brighton. We鈥檙e gonna have rings, and a cake! But dignified. And when none of my fellow teachers show up to our 鈥済ay wedding鈥�, I鈥檓 gonna tell him it鈥檚 because they can鈥檛 afford to go all the way to Brighton and spend the night in a fancy hotel. And eventually, I鈥檒l tell him everything. I will. I鈥檒l tell him鈥verything. Eventually.

Or鈥 could tell him before. Give him the choice鈥hat would be the right thing. If I could find the right words鈥xactly the right words.

GRANDPA

This is the happiest I ever been since I died! No kidding! He鈥檚 stopped smoking, and he鈥檚 goin鈥� to the acting classes every week, every week! And now, he鈥檚 started back with the voice lessons again. I got to hear him sing. Sing in Italian! Like I died and went to heaven! All these years of me being in here, and nothing comes of it, until this fella Vincente. Vincente, Vincente, Vincente! Te amo, Vincente!!

When he was a little boy, every time Jerry sing, his father give him that look. That look say, 鈥淚 know what you are.鈥� Jerry goes into his room. I don鈥檛 say nothing to the father, it鈥檚 not my place. He the man of that house. Besides, I gave that look to my own kids so many times, for so many stupid things鈥� So I say to the kid, in private, 鈥渒eep going, you go to music school, I pay your tuition, you gonna make me proud.鈥�

And the kid was happy, singing, dancing, practicing day and night. It鈥檚 only natural he didn鈥檛 notice. See, his job was to fill my oxygen tank, the one I used when I went to bed every night. That thing had dials and numbers so small, I never got the hang of it. That was okay. Jerry had good eyes, and strong arms, for a little fairy boy. He used to come home every day and fill the tank in my bedroom, fill it from the big tank in the living room. But on the opening night of his show, he was so excited. Too excited. Too excited to remember.

That night, I went to bed, and put the mask on my face, like always. But in the middle of the night, the tank, it ran out of air. I was trying to breathe, trying so hard, and I don鈥檛 know why, I started laughing. That shit about your life passing before your eyes, that shit you can believe. I鈥檓 gonna die, broke, wife dead, four out of my five kids hate my guts, and the one person who鈥檚 gonna remember me when I鈥檓 gone that doesn鈥檛 have some hate mixed into the memories, is this little tap-dancing fairy grandson of mine, who forgot to fill my oxygen tank, on account of he鈥檚 the star of his school鈥檚 musical!

(he starts to laugh again, until he鈥檚 out of breath)

Well, there it is. It鈥檚 gonna be what it鈥檚 gonna be. Goodbye, Jerry. Your Grandpa, he鈥檚 so proud of you.

MOTHER

So I started screaming in Vincent鈥檚 head, 鈥淵ou鈥檙e not going to tell him the TRUTH, are you? 鈥�

Darling Boy! Marry him, that鈥檚 the thing, cut the ring together and wear your wedding cake. Because pretty damn soon you鈥檒l lose more than just a word here and there, everywhere, and you won鈥檛 be able to cover it up with a laugh, or a joke. Then you鈥檒l need to be watched, so you don鈥檛 burn the drapes, like I did. Or leave the door to the house wide open, like I did. Or pee your pants, like I did, right in the middle of Fifth Avenue. Yes, he鈥檒l end up taking care of you night and day, you鈥檒l be the one. But that鈥檚 what he does all day anyway, darling. Doing it for strangers in dangers, he might as well do it for true.

(in a spotlight, a big diva production number, to the tune of 鈥淎nything Goes鈥�)

IN OLDEN DAYS YOU CAUGHT DEMENTIA

BUT THEN THE PNEUMONIA鈥橠 GET YA

BEFORE IT SHOWED;

EVERYTHING GOES

WHEN GRANDMA THOUGHT SHE WAS A SAILOR,

AND THEN ALL HER WORDS WOULD FAIL HER,

THE SEED WAS SOWED;

EVERYTHING GOES

IT SEEMS THAT UP IS DOWN, AND YOU CAN鈥橳 BE FOUND,

AND YOU WANDER 鈥楻OUND, THEN YOUR WRISTS ARE BOUND,

AND THEY TIE YOU THERE, AND YOU鈥橰E LYING THERE,

WEARING BED SHEETS FOR CLOTHES.

SO IF YOU鈥橵E FOUND YOURSELF A SAVIOR, THEN

SON, DO YOURSELF A FAVOR,

BEFORE HE KNOWS

EVERYTHING GOES.

JERRY

(to his shrink)

Jesus, Dr. Lieberman! We had it all set up, the cake, and the candles, the friends came in from everywhere, my sister came in from Canada, for Christ sakes! Can I smoke? Can I please just smoke?? I don鈥檛 think I can get through this if you won鈥檛 let me, just this once鈥�

(he lights up, and takes a drag, and calms down a bit)

Thanks, Dr. Lieberman. You鈥檙e a mensch. Or whatever the word is for female mensch. Sorry. I know lots of slang in Italian, but my Yiddish is rusty. We got a woman on the ward who only speaks Yiddish now. Husband said he didn鈥檛 even know she spoke it until鈥�

So there we were, twenty minutes before the ceremony is supposed to start, and I wish we had done what they do when a man and a woman get married, bad luck to see the bride before鈥mart, very, very smart. That way, you won鈥檛 say anything at the last minute to fuck it up, you know? But Jesus, how would I know it would set him off so much, just to say 鈥�

(now he is back in time, speaking to Vincent)

I got a surprise for you. I started taking acting classes. And voice lessons. Going back to my first love, never thought it would happen, but being with you, I got back my confidence. And now, instead of being married to some mousy nurse on a geriatric ward, you鈥檙e gonna be married to an actor. A singer. Taking classes with a guy who鈥檚 a big deal, and he told me, flat out, I got a gift, I gotta use it. This is the happiest I鈥檝e ever been since I was fifteen years old, rehearsing in my school production of 鈥淎nything Goes.鈥�

(Jerry sings to Vincent)

IT'S FRIENDSHIP, FRIENDSHIP,

JUST A PERFECT BLENDSHIP,

WHEN OTHER FRIENDSHIPS HAVE BEEN 'FORGATE'

OURS WILL STILL BE GREAT!

And he looked at me like he had no idea what I was saying to him. Not a word. Just a look. And he got up, and left. I stood there, all the breath knocked out of me, I couldn鈥檛 breathe鈥..just鈥ouldn鈥檛鈥reathe! And when I finally figured out how to breathe again, I ran out to the parking lot, thinking it had to be a joke. A very bad joke. I鈥檇 find him out there, laughing, and we鈥檇 go back in together, and say our vows, and cut the cake鈥ut he was gone.

I keep thinking he鈥檚 got to explain this to me. He owes me that much! I keep thinking, he HAS to see me sometime. He has to see his mother, and when he does, I鈥檒l be there, and he鈥檒l kiss me all over and beg my forgiveness. That鈥檚 what will happen. Has to be. He won鈥檛 leave her. He can鈥檛鈥ou should have seen the way he took care of her. Vincent, when he held her in his arms鈥ou can鈥檛 fake that. How can somebody like that just鈥ust鈥eave?

I can鈥檛 go back to the acting classes. Not now. They need me on the ward, and at least when I鈥檓 there, I鈥檓 useful, you know? Maybe, it鈥檚 good enough to be useful. I鈥檒l be there, to take care of his mother. I know what she likes. She likes to have someone brush her hair鈥�

VINCENT

The night before the wedding, I was trying to get my courage up, because I didn鈥檛 want us to say those vows, I knew it wasn鈥檛 right, not unless I told him first. All night long, I sat there, in my flat, with a pen in my hand trying to write it out, like a little speech, because I didn鈥檛 trust the words to come out鈥o say what鈥t had to be the right words, you know?

All night long, I looked for those words, and when I tried to write them down, they just鈥aded. Like that disappearing link鈥isappearing ink. Grab it and wrestle it on to the rage鈥nto the page. How can you tell the man you love what鈥檚 happening to you, if the words鈥f the words鈥�.

Twenty minutes before we were supposed to get married, before I could say anything to HIM, Jerry was saying these things to ME. These things that didn鈥檛 make any fucking sense. I couldn鈥檛 say a fucking word. My feet started to move, and then鈥 got in my car and drove someplace, anyplace. There I was, in Anyplace, Kent. That鈥檚 where I saw it: The Hunting Edge Country Sports, Hunting and Shooting Store. Where I bought the most elegant hand gun in the place. Stylish. Small, fit in my hand like the two of us were鈥�. So, there I was, In King鈥檚 Wood outside Challock, with this thing in my hand鈥hen I remembered something my Mother used to do. Five years ago, when she first started to lose it, one of her doctors said, give her a cell phone, where she can get you on speed dial, through her voice. So I went out and did what I was told. But Mother, she never used it like that.

MOTHER

I was still pretty clever. I figured out how to write a little letter, but it鈥檚 not called a letter鈥ut it鈥檚 made with letters. And it鈥檚 right away, like the coffee you can make with just the hot water, or the mashed potatoes that start out like little flat flakes, but then they become鈥n a moment. Moment coffee. INSTANT! INSTANT MESSAGE!

(she takes an ostentatious diva bow for remembering this: then she stops, puzzled)

No, not that. I used to use those, but then I couldn鈥檛, so, I just鈥hymes with sex. Next? Writing on paper, no good. But punching those letters, one at a time鈥 couldn鈥檛 find the birds, so I nexted on my phone! And the birds came! And they flew!

(a beat)

You can still have your one good year, my darling boy. Take it!

VINCENT

So I texted him. I texted, 鈥淚 have Alzheimer鈥檚.鈥� I knew how to spell it. Just knowing I could still spell the fucking thing, that in itself, made me鈥appy. And then I waited. Maybe his phone was turned off. Maybe the Vodaphone assholes dropped the most important next I ever sent. Then, two words flew into my phone, like electric birds. 鈥淐ome home.鈥�

(slow fade to black, while music plays, 鈥淣ight and Day鈥�)

END OF PLAY