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the Party. TIME: the present. PLACE: Cambridge, the living room of Sarah and Lillian. As lights come up, Sarah is trying to put up a banner that says 鈥淗appy Anniversary鈥�. The phone is ringing. Sarah answers.

SARAH Hello鈥�.Emma, you absolutely have to come!鈥ou know why!鈥eah, but can鈥檛 the babysitter deal with鈥�

LILLIAN (entering) Who is it?

SARAH Emma says she can鈥檛 come.

LILLIAN Give me that! (on the phone) You ARE coming, right?鈥f you don鈥檛 come, it鈥檒l just be the two of us and FRED! You have any idea how weird that鈥檚 going to be?鈥�.Well, put her on the phone. Yes, let me talk to her. (to a five year old girl on the phone) Lily? Are you being a good girl for your Mummy?鈥ut you have to let your Mummy come to my party鈥�.Yes, I know Sam does that some times. Tell him Auntie Lillian says to stop hitting you or I鈥檒l turn him into a mouse in my lab. Remember all the mice Auntie Lillian showed you in her lab? Well, you tell Sam they all used to be naughty little boys who bothered their sisters鈥�

SARAH (taking the phone from Lillian) Lily? Don鈥檛 you dare tell that to Sam, your Auntie Lillian was making a joke, okay? Now, sweetheart, remember how we all came to your birthday party? Well Auntie Lillian needs a party, too鈥es, she鈥檚 been very good this year鈥o, you can鈥檛 come. Not this time. Next year you can come. I promise. Next year you and Sam鈥kay, if Sam is mean then we won鈥檛 let him come. Tell him that, okay? If he鈥檚 mean to you, he can鈥檛 come to Auntie Lillian鈥檚 next party鈥es, I will give your Mummy a big piece of cake to send home just for you鈥�. No, if he鈥檚 mean Sam can鈥檛 have any. He鈥檒l just have to watch you eat cake, and be sad.

LILLIAN (answering the door, and calling out toward the phone) If he hits you, just hit him back!

FRED (as he enters) Is somebody hitting Sarah?

SARAH (into the phone) No, that wasn鈥檛 Auntie Lillian, that was noise from the TV. We鈥檒l see you tomorrow, okay? But you have to let your Mommy come to our house tonight. Love you, too! (she hangs up the phone)

LILLIAN Sarah just talked Lily out of a temper tantrum. Darlin鈥�, how do you do that?

SARAH What do you think I do in my classroom all day? Kids are easy. Parents are hard. (she kisses Fred on the cheek in greeting) I鈥檝e got to finish icing the cake. Happy Anniversary, gorgeous! (she kisses Lillian and exits)

FRED You got very lucky there, you know.

LILLIAN Yeah, I know. So, is that my present? Can I open my present?

FRED No, you can鈥檛 open your present, not yet. There are traditions involved in these things. Traditions are the markers of a civilized people. However, you could open the champagne.

LILLIAN You brought champagne? For me?

FRED Of course not.

LILLIAN But you just saidFRED Oh, well, I told the chap at the off-license about鈥nd he sold me this! (he pulls out a bottle labeled 鈥淐ham-plain鈥�) Isn鈥檛 this clever? They call it Cham-plainLILLIAN Bet it tastes like some cheap watered-down鈥�

SARAH (as she re-enters the living room from the wings) Now, Lil. That was very kind of Fred, I bet it鈥檚 just terrific. Open it, Fred. We鈥檒l all have some.

LILLIAN If I can鈥檛 have the real thing, I definitely don鈥檛 want THAT.

FRED All right then. How about some music? Music is also traditional, I believe, at these sorts of things. I brought something Latin. Isn鈥檛 that what you danced to at your wedding?

SARAH What a sweet thing to do. But I still have a few things to do in the kitchen, so (she puts the CD in and the music starts) 鈥aybe Fred wants to dance. Fred, why don鈥檛 you dance with Lillian while I鈥�

FRED She doesn鈥檛 follow me in the lab, what makes you think she鈥檚 going to follow me if鈥�

LILLIAN You want to lead? Okay, I鈥檒l let you lead.

FRED No, I don鈥檛 thinkLILLIAN Come on, Fred. Didn鈥檛 your mother make you take ballroom dancing? Isn鈥檛 that what the gentry do to their young?

FRED I can perform, if called upon to do so. (Sarah tries to walk past them on her way to another room to get something for the party: Lillian grabs her around the waist playfully, and they do a very impressive Tango together)

LILLIAN Next year, Sarah and I are going to win a trophy. It鈥檚 supposed to look like Ginger Rogers, dancing with herself.

SARAH The trick to it is, two people become one.

FRED Hardly appropriate, then, for ME to dance with Lillian. (the music stops, Sarah goes offstage to get Lillian鈥檚 present)

FRED So how does it feel to be sober for an entire year?

LILLIAN It feels鈥obering. (Sarah re-enters carrying a very large, beautifully wrapped gift)

LILLIAN Yup. So, bring on the presents. What did you all get me? Something SHINY? Something BIG and SHINY?

FRED I thought you hated jewelry.

LILLIAN I do. I want a car. It鈥檚 not fair, Sarah has one and I don鈥檛.

SARAH Nobody鈥檚 buying you a car, Lil. In fact, maybe you shouldn鈥檛 be having any cake! Aren鈥檛 they going to give you a cake at the meeting tonight?

LILLIAN I don鈥檛 know. Do they do that sort of thing?

SARAH Maybe we should have invited your sponsor. But Lillian won鈥檛 tell me his name鈥�

LILLIAN It鈥檚 Anonymous. That鈥檚 the whole point.

FRED But I met your first sponsor, and your second. They didn鈥檛 seem to be all that worried aboutLILLIAN (reaching for Sarah鈥檚 big package) All right then, let me see what it is!

SARAH No, wait until Emma gets here!

LILLIAN That鈥檚 ridiculous. Why should I sit here, staring into space, when I could be opening presents! (Lillian opens Fred鈥檚 gift) Very nice, but I already own a copy of the Fellowship of the Ring.

FRED Open the front cover, you ingrate.

LILLIAN Oh my God. Where did you get this?

FRED The rare book dealer in Copley Square.

LILLIAN Sarah, look at this. It鈥檚 a first edition, signed. Oh my God! (she gets up and gives Fred a big kiss and hug) I don鈥檛 deserve this.

FRED Yes, you do. When we publish, I鈥檒l get you an signed first edition of the rest of the trilogy!

SARAH Bollocks, now my present鈥檚 going to look like

LILLIAN Anything you give me I HAVE to love, don鈥檛 I? Because it鈥檚 from you, darlin鈥�. So what piddling, negligible, cheap piece of shit did you buy me?

SARAH Now I鈥檓 taking it back, and you鈥檙e neverLILLIAN You know I鈥檓 joking. Give me that! (they struggle playfully over a beautifully wrapped gift; Lillian finally wrestles it away from her, and opens it: a small sculpture)

SARAH I got Joan to do it for you. It鈥檚 a sculpture. For your desk.

LILLIAN I can see that. It鈥檚鈥t鈥檚 great. Just great! (a beat) A sculpture of what, exactly?

SARAH She calls it, 鈥淪arah and Lillian, Sittin鈥� In a Tree鈥�. There鈥檚 our favorite bench, on the park, with the big chestnut tree, and instead of us on the bench, we鈥檙e over here. In the tree. Get it?

LILLIAN Right. Now that you point it out, I can see it. It鈥檚鈥�

SARAH And underneath the tree, there鈥檚 this.

LILLIAN That little spot?

SARAH It鈥檚 a pram! You know, a baby carriage! Sarah and Lillian, Sittin鈥� in a Tree, K-I-S-S-I-NG鈥idn鈥檛 you ever skip, for Christ sakes?

LILLIAN No. So the two of us are in a tree, and what鈥檚 with the baby carriage?

SARAH It鈥檚 part of the skipping song; 鈥渇irst comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Sarah with a baby carriage鈥�.

LILLIAN I can see where that would work out for breeders.

FRED Last I heard, lesbians could get pregnant.

LILLIAN Well, theoretically, sure, but who鈥檇 want to do that?

SARAH I would!

LILLIAN Very funny.

SARAH It鈥檚 not funny to me, maybe it鈥檚 exactly what I want.

LILLIAN Oh, come on. It鈥檚 not part of being鈥S.

SARAH Why not?

LILLIAN It鈥檚 not part of being ME.

SARAH How do you know it鈥檚 not part of being YOU?

LILLIAN Look, the time to ask me about kids was before we stood up and said 鈥淚 do鈥�.

SARAH How could I even imagine kids until鈥nd here you are, sober for a whole year!

LILLIAN Sober enough to know I鈥檓 not interested. (Sarah bursts into tears) Christ, what did I do wrong?

FRED Well, first, you didn鈥檛 listen, but we鈥檙e all used to that by now. Second, you didn鈥檛 offer a real argument, you just tried to shut one off. That鈥檚 not like you, Lillian.

SARAH If you don鈥檛 like MY present, wait 鈥榯ill you see what Emma got you!

LILLIAN I think your present is lovely. Very鈥arah-like. Come over here, darlin鈥�. Sit down right here, and stop crying. Crying never gets you anywhere but wet.

SARAH That鈥檚 a stupid thing to say.

LILLIAN Yeah, I know. My mother used to say it. Where does this come from, all of a sudden?

SARAH Sixteen people walking down the street, I see the one; the one in the buggy. Or the little carrier thingie, lets you walk around with the baby on your back, the little head bobbing up and down, looking around, eyes drinking it all in, scoping out this whole new world. Babies radiate. They glow.

LILLIAN Look, I鈥檓 sure you鈥檇 be a great Mom, but me, I鈥檇-

SARAH You鈥檇 be amazing, too.

LILLIAN Based on what?

SARAH If Emma can do it

LILLIAN That鈥檚 the argument my mother used to make about sleeping with men. If Emma can do it.

FRED I鈥檒l just leave you two alone and鈥�

LILLIAN Don鈥檛 you dare! Fred, you鈥檙e a neutral observer, you tell me, aren鈥檛 I doing my very best to try and listen?

SARAH Yes, Fred, you are a neutral observer. Tell her what an arsehole she鈥檚 being!

FRED Is there a gun in the house, so I can just shoot myself now and get it over with?

SARAH Sit down, Fred. This wasn鈥檛 your fault. Stay. There鈥檚 cake.

FRED I have an early tutorial tomorrow, I really should鈥�

LILLIAN For fuck鈥檚 sake, Fred, don鈥檛 be such a pussy. I get it now. It鈥檚 because of that baby shower last month. All those lactating heterosexuals, they brainwashed you!

SARAH Nobody brainwashed me, it鈥檚 just-

(enter EMMA)

EMMA Where鈥檚 my brilliant sister? Where鈥檚 my brilliant, sober sister?

LILLIAN Emma! What took you so long?

EMMA What鈥檚 wrong with Sarah?

SARAH Lillian鈥檚 being a shit. And she鈥檚 not in the mood for your present.

LILLIAN I鈥檓 ALWAYS in the mood for presents.

SARAH We鈥檒l see.

EMMA No, this is a good present. Maybe the very best present you鈥檝e ever had. Go ahead; open it. (she hands Lillian an envelope)

LILLIAN This better be more than a card.

SARAH Trust me. It鈥檚 more.

(Lillian opens it, reads it, and shows it to Fred)

LILLIAN You got me a MAN?

EMMA I didn鈥檛 get you a man! I got you, and Sarah, the father for your future baby! We spent two months looking at profiles down at the Cambridge Sperm Bank, and this one, this is THE ONE.

LILLIAN Fred, look at this, can you believe this?

EMMA When Sarah and I saw his profile, we just knew.

LILLIAN Wait a minute. Sarah and you both鈥ou鈥檝e been looking for Mister Perfect together?

EMMA You don鈥檛 think I鈥檇 leave my sister-in-law out of the most important decision in her life, do you?

LILLIAN But you鈥檇 leave ME out of it, because鈥�

EMMA Because it鈥檚 a surprise! A very big, important surprise, for a very big, important day! Congratulations. Time for you to stop spoiling my children and have one of your own.

LILLIAN Whoa! That鈥檚 not happening. Just鈥ot happening.

SARAH You adore Sam and Lily!

LILLIAN That鈥檚 completely differentSARAH All this time, studying mothers and babies, there鈥檚 obviously something about the whole thing that attracts you! Right, Fred?

FRED Well鈥�

LILLIAN Tell her what we鈥檙e actually doing, Fred.

FRED I don鈥檛 want to say, right before cake. And I was really looking forward to the cake.

SARAH I know you鈥檙e doing something with mothers and babies, andFRED We genetically engineer the mothers鈥hey won鈥檛 feed them. The babies.

LILLIAN We鈥檝e isolated the gene for the maternal instinct, and now we can turn it off and on like a faucet. Those babies are being starved to death, even as we speak.

FRED See, now I predict there will be no cake.

EMMA My God, Lillian, why on earth would anyone ever鈥�

LILLIAN If we can turn the most powerful instinct in nature off and on, then鈥ho knows? Anything鈥檚 game for manipulation. All those pesky little vices inherent in human nature鈥r inherited in the gene pool鈥ell, if we can make mothers starve their babies, we can do anything. Right Fred?

FRED I personally don鈥檛 think there will be practical implications, not in my life time, anyway, but the sheer scientific achievement of the thing鈥reathtaking, isn鈥檛 it?

EMMA Breathtaking.

SARAH What does this have to do with us having a baby?

LILLIAN Babies require things. Well, they require people. And time. And I am going to be in the lab, darlin鈥�. I am going to be in the lab for/

SARAH What, for the next twenty years?

LILLIAN Ask Emma what it was like for the both of us, to grow up with a mother who was always off somewhere else, always doing something more important.

EMMA And the 鈥渟omething more important鈥� was usually getting drunk at the nearest pub. But that鈥檚 hardly the case here, right? There鈥檚 a big difference between a mother who鈥檚 a lush, and a mother who鈥檚 probably going to win the Nobel Fucking Prize. Jesus, Lillian, when were you going to tell us about this?

FRED We weren鈥檛 going to tell unless it worked. And this week, the first batch popped out, and鈥�

LILLIAN (lifting a glass of fizzy water to toast their achievement) Here鈥檚 to the first batch of dying baby mice! (nobody joins her toast)

SARAH If this is such a big deal, you鈥檒l make tenure. And get grant money. And a promotion. So I can stay home with the baby. Game, set, match!

(SARAH high-fives EMMA)

FRED Let鈥檚 try this: how much do you want to have a baby, Sarah? On a scale of one to ten, one being enough to think about it occasionally, and ten being borderline obsessional?

SARAH Eleven.

FRED Then I think Lillian had better get used to changing nappies.

LILLIAN You traitor! We鈥檙e a team!

FRED Follow along, team-mate. Lillian needs Sarah, yes? Required for happiness?

LILLIAN Of course.

FRED And Sarah needs a baby, required for her happiness, yes?

SARAH Thank you. Somebody鈥檚 finally listening to me.

FRED So it naturally follows, that Lillian needs to give Sarah what she needs. Q.E.D. Other people do good science and bring up children, no reason why you two couldn鈥檛SARAH I knew there was a reason I liked you!

EMMA That鈥檚 brilliant, Fred. Couldn鈥檛 have said it better myself.

FRED Of course you couldn鈥檛. Psychologists aren鈥檛 supposed to be clear, you鈥檇 scare the patients.

LILLIAN Wait a god-damned minute! Fred鈥檚 argument has a hole I can drive a bus through! The sperm donor! Academic accomplishments, they can be checked, but what about what鈥檚 hidden just a little further back in the family tree? They can ask all the questions they can possibly come up with, and still miss it, still miss the flaw, the crack, the easily overlooked potential for addiction, psychosis, neurosis鈥� What do they do, a ten minute interview? An hour? Sorry, my loves. Until you find the absolutely perfect donor, game鈥檚 over, I win. As far as I鈥檓 concerned, Emma still owes me a real present. I鈥檒l be happy to get Sarah a puppy, if she wants something cute and cuddly to play with. Now, who wants cake?

One week later. Late at night in the lab. The lab is indicated by a pool of light, perhaps down center. Lillian, in a lab coat. She begins playing a CD; The Gymnopedies, by Erik Satie. She has brought a little box in with her, it has Mother Courage Mouse and her babies in it. She speaks to the mice as she works on a formula she is writing and rewriting on a blackboard, which is indicated by her writing in the air, as though the audience were looking through the blackboard as the Fourth Wall.The scene is played facing the 鈥渂lackboard鈥�, which means facing the audience.

LILLIAN (to the mouse in the box) This is all your fault, you furry little thesis-destroyer! (she looks in the box) Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck it! You want to tell me whatever possessed you to do this? (she writes some on the board, as Fred enters unseen, watching) Although, I must admit, your babies are pretty cute. For naked fur-less rodent babies the size of erasers, pretty bloody cute.

FRED So this is where you disappeared to.

LILLIAN Fred! (she turns off the CD) You scared me to death! Sneaking up on me like that.

FRED You鈥檙e doing brilliant stuff here.

LILLIAN You didn鈥檛 come here to tell me that. I already know that.

FRED Maybe I enjoy just watching you work?

LILLIAN Deviant.

FRED (in a dry, teasing throw-away comment) You know you really want me. That鈥檚 why I never take off my shirt in front of you. (Fred picks up some chalk, and he begins to add to Lillian鈥檚 formula) What would happen to Sarah if I turned you heterosexual? (Fred makes another addition on the board) See that? Now that鈥檚 lovely. You did the big part, but without this on the end鈥�.see it?

LILLIAN Nice.

FRED Sarah called. Call her back, please.

LILLIAN Why would Sarah call YOU?

FRED She says you never check your phone. And I鈥檓 tired of being in the middle of all this. She can鈥檛 talk to you, so she talks to me. She鈥檚 got some very good arguments about sperm donors.

LILLIAN Stay out of this one, boss.

FRED She might just leave, you know? People have been known to do that, over things like this.

LILLIAN She might just get over it, you know? People have been known to do that, too.

FRED What鈥檚 the most powerful instinct in nature?

LILLIAN Self-preservation.

FRED Procreation.

LILLIAN Not in my nature, boss.

FRED Well, it鈥檚 in hers.

LILLIAN God, Fred! You are ill-equipped, and I mean it in every possible sense of that phrase, to deal with this! This is my business. OUR business. If you want to be helpful, help me figure out what鈥檚 gone wrong with the experiment.

FRED Something鈥檚 wrong?

LILLIAN Mother Courage over here.

FRED What鈥�?

LILLIAN 227B. Take a look. She鈥檚 started to nurture.

FRED What do you mean, 鈥渘urture.鈥�

LILLIAN She started feeding.

FRED Why?

LILLIAN I don鈥檛 have an explanation for it. Yet. Thought I might work on this end of the problem, retrace my steps, see where we went wrong鈥�

FRED But we didn鈥檛 go wrong! If we鈥檇 gone wrong, the whole group would be doing it. And you said it鈥檚 just the one, right?

LILLIAN Just the one.

FRED Well, then, we鈥檒l have to dissect it.

LILLIAN You鈥檙e not killing this mouse, Fred.

FRED Lillian! You鈥檙e getting sentimental over a lab animal?

LILLIAN Killing her won鈥檛 help us at all, not if it鈥檚 behavioral. (Lillian erases part of what Fred added, and changes it) What do you think, Boss? Think I might be on to something here?

FRED What you鈥檝e got on the third line from the top? It鈥檚 wrong. It鈥檚 also鈥� (he checks his watch) 鈥� my God, it鈥檚 nearly midnight! Take a break, Lill. Go call your wife!

LILLIAN Will you let me work, please?

FRED And how long will you be able to work if she leaves you? Since you met Sarah, you鈥檝e been sober as a judge. The longest continuous period of time since鈥�

LILLIAN Oh, Christ! Is that it?

FRED We work TOGETHER. That means if you can鈥檛 work, I can鈥檛 work.

LILLIAN You said you were going to trust me. You鈥檙e finally sending me to a conference, alone, because you trust me to stay away from the bar and

FRED Tell me that if she walked out tomorrow, you鈥檇 be here the next day, ready to work.

LILLIAN Look, I know you need me.

FRED Especially if the research starts going down hill

LILLIAN It鈥檚 not going down hill, because I鈥檓 going to figure it out. If you鈥檒l let me. Okay? And you call Sarah. Tell her I鈥檓 going to be in the lab for鈥ell her I might be here all night. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. (Lillian turns the music back up. Slow fade to black as she continues to work at the blackboard)

A week later, the apartment. they are getting ready for bed. Sarah is reading a book at one end of the sofa: Lillian is reading a book at the other end. Lillian tries to gently seduce Sarah throughout this scene, trying to nibble her ear, trying to touch her, hold her, kiss her.

LILLIAN Time for bed. Have to get up early, get some lab time in before I go to the airport. Fred needs me to fix a glitch-

(no response from Sarah)

But if I go to bed now, I could have some time for, you know, whatever you might want鈥�

(no response from Sarah)

Just in case you might鈥�.

(no response from Sarah)

What do I need to do to get you to put down that book?

SARAH It鈥檚 a very good book.

LILLIAN Oh. What鈥檚 so good about it?

SARAH You don鈥檛 want to know.

LILLIAN Sure I do.

SARAH It鈥檚 about natural childbirth.

LILLIAN You want to know what my book鈥檚 about?

SARAH No.

LILLIAN Don鈥檛 you miss me? Even a little bit?

SARAH I miss you like crazy.

LILLIAN So, come to bed.

SARAH I鈥檓 getting very attached to this sofa.

LILLIAN Darlin鈥�, it can鈥檛 be good for your back.

SARAH So you want me to go to bed with you for the good of my back?

LILLIAN And other things.

SARAH Are you willing to talk about it yet?

LILLIAN How much longer can you stay angry?

SARAH I鈥檓 not mad at you.

LILLIAN Do you want to dance? Maybe if I put on some music鈥�.

SARAH Think that will put me in the mood?

LILLIAN Why not? It used to produce spectacular results.

(Lillian goes to put a CD on, starts looking through a stack for just the right CD: Sarah follows her, and takes the CD from her hand)

SARAH You want spectacular results? Then you tell me right now we can raise a child together.

LILLIAN Is this the way it goes? I agreed to marriage to make you happy, but instead, see what it鈥檚 done? Started a whole other series of things I must do to make Sarah happy.

SARAH I鈥檓 not giving up on this.

LILLIAN I told you, we are not going to play Russian roulette with some sperm donor, who knows what kind of gene-pool surprise is lurking in there? You got some info on a form, you think that tells you anything? Some moron on his gap year who needs a few quid to get his butterfly tattoo lasered off his arse. Besides, you don鈥檛 need a baby. You鈥檝e got me.

SARAH Haven鈥檛 you ever wanted something so badly, that just the wanting of it got bigger and bigger until it filled everything up?

LILLIAN Oh, I want something all the time. But I gave it up for um鈥ee, do you remember? I gave it up for YOU! If I wanted to waltz away with you, I鈥檇 have to wave goodbye to booze, all that lovely mind-numbing, buzz-creating, brain-cell destroying stuff.

SARAH You gave up killing yourself. You gave up

LILLIAN Alcohol is just a drink to you, Sarah. And I didn鈥檛 just give it up once. I have to give it up every fucking day for the rest of my life. If I can do that for you, can鈥檛 you give this up, for me?

(There is a long moment where Sarah starts toward the bedroom, but then she stops, and goes back to the sofa. End of scene)

The park bench. Sarah enters, with a book: 鈥淏est 100 Baby Names鈥�. Tries to read, can鈥檛 focus, puts the book down, enter Emma.

EMMA I cancelled four clients to come out here and meet you. What鈥檚 all this crap about leaving?

SARAH I鈥檓 waiting for her to go to that conference. Then I鈥檓 packing all my stuff, and by the time she comes back, I鈥檒l be鈥攃an I stay at your place for a while? I鈥檒l babysit! I鈥檒l watch Sam and Lily, and you and David can go out to dinner, and, and it鈥檒l be just like having a free nanny!

EMMA I can鈥檛! And you can鈥檛, either. What鈥檚 the first thing she鈥檒l do once she knows you鈥檙e gone?

SARAH I can鈥檛 be responsible for her.

EMMA You ARE responsible for her. That鈥檚 what marriage means. You said. 鈥淭ill death do us part鈥�.

SARAH It鈥檚 supposed to be 50-50! With Lillian it鈥檚 more like

EMMA Addicts are needy people. And you knew exactly who she was when you

SARAH You know what? Maybe she would have grown up more, if you鈥檇 let her.

EMMA Excuse me?

SARAH She鈥檚 a thirty year old baby, how did she get that way?

EMMA Wait a minute, you鈥檙e saying I鈥檓 responsible

SARAH You keep bailing her out of trouble, always there at the other end of the phone, always ready to-

EMMA She鈥檚 my sister!

SARAH And you never let her hit rock bottom. Isn鈥檛 that what addicts are supposed to do? Between you and Fred, she鈥檚 never had to grow the fuck up!

(a moment of angry silence)

EMMA I鈥檝e got an ordinary mind, I鈥檒l do ordinary things. But Lillian鈥ou want to take the chance of that鈥hat gift鈥� being destroyed one fucking brain cell at a time, while we wait for her to hit bottom? Really?

Being her sister is crazy-making. It鈥檚 also a privilege. And it鈥檚 a privilege to be her wife, too. Isn鈥檛 it? Because anything she discovers, anything she cures, you get a little piece of that. You and me both. And Fred, too. Okay. Let鈥檚 calm down, think this through. It all comes down to the donor, right?

SARAH She鈥檚 holding out for the perfect donor, because that ball鈥檚 in her court. She鈥檒l always have a reason to say 鈥渘o鈥�.

EMMA But Lillian is rational. And I think鈥aybe鈥� I have the perfect donor. Someone she couldn鈥檛 possibly reject. Someone she admires. Maybe the only person she knows who鈥檚 more clever than she is..

SARAH Einstein鈥檚 dead. And Stephen Hawking鈥檚 probably not available

EMMA Fred.

SARAH You can鈥檛 be serious.

EMMA It would appeal to Lillian, that Fred鈥檚 genes wouldn鈥檛鈥hey wouldn鈥檛 go to waste. You like Fred, right?

SARAH Of course I do. He鈥檚 like Lillian, but鈥� sweeter.

EMMA I think it could work.

SARAH Maybe. Maybe. But you鈥檇 have to convince her. If I even begin to try to talk about it, she leaves the room.

EMMA We鈥檒l have lunch before I take her to the airport. Lunch out here. She鈥檚 always calmer out here, on this bench, looking out at the swans. I鈥檒l ease her into it, and then鈥擨 promise you, Sarah, I can do this. I can see it all in my head. I can make it work.

SARAH But鈥red? I can鈥檛 imagine ever asking Fred

EMMA I鈥檝e known Fred a long time. I know exactly what to say.

Next week. The park bench. Enter Terry, who鈥檚 drinking vodka out of a bottle in a paper bag. She sits. Enter Fred.

FRED Excuse me, but would you mind going somewhere else to drink?

TERRY Ouch.

FRED Look, I鈥檓 meeting a friend here, and this is where we always meet, so鈥� Okay, here鈥檚鈥ive pounds. Bench rental. Do we have a deal?

TERRY (she takes the money, and leaves) Ouch.

(Enter Emma, with a little boy鈥檚 colorful lunch box)

FRED What鈥檚 THAT?

EMMA Sam鈥檚 lunch box. He decided just this morning he鈥檇 grown out of it. (She starts to eat lunch) Can you imagine that? Yesterday it was his favorite, and today鈥ell today he鈥檚 just too dignified to be seen with it. But I鈥檇 already packed it, so I may as well eat it.

FRED So the poor child is just going to starve?

EMMA No, Sam鈥檚 decided he has to have the hot lunch. Like the popular kids.

FRED Conforming already. Tell him Uncle Fred doesn鈥檛 approve. So, you said you had reliable intelligence. Have they made up yet?

EMMA Nope. Sarah鈥檚 still sleeping on the sofa This is all wrong.

FRED I agree. Things are not moving in the proper direction.

EMMA They belong together, don鈥檛 they Fred? Sarah and Lillian.

FRED Who else could Lillian ever belong to鈥 mean in that way鈥he belongs to us, of course, but not in that way.

EMMA Remember, at the party? She said it would be all right, if we could find the perfect donor. If the donor were somebody we know, somebody with impeccable genes, somebody almost as clever as Lillian

FRED There are very few people almost as smart as Lillian. (Emma smiles at Fred) Wait a minute! That鈥檚 absurd!

EMMA No, it鈥檚 not, it鈥檚 perfect!

FRED You want me to

EMMA Just imagine a kid with Sarah鈥檚 looks and your intelligence

FRED No, absolutely not. Fatherhood is completely outside of my expertise.

EMMA You wouldn鈥檛 have to act like a father, you could be Uncle Fred. Just like you are with Sam and Lily. Only this way, you鈥檇 really be part of the family.

FRED Part of the family?

EMMA Imagine passing on your genes as a kind of gift! As a scientist, that has to intrigue you, just a little, right?

FRED Not that I鈥檓 even remotely considering this, but鈥hat does Sarah think?

EMMA She鈥檚 willing to try it.

FRED Then why didn鈥檛 she ask me herself?

EMMA Would you want to look Professor Frederick Ormond in the eye and ask him to please father your child?

FRED And Lillian鈥illian wants me?

EMMA You know how much she respects you. She鈥檒l see the logic in it.

FRED Wait a minute. She WILL? Future tense?

EMMA I wanted to get your consent before I鈥efore I told Lillian the good news.

FRED But you鈥檙e sure she鈥檒l approve.

EMMA With you involved? Of course! You鈥檒l see, Fred. This is going to be just perfect. Sarah and Lillian, sittin鈥� in a tree鈥�. (looks at her watch) Gotta run. Lily鈥檚 getting an award at school, and鈥攚on鈥檛 it be great, if someday little Fred or Lillian junior鈥檚 getting an award? Science fairs鈥ther such events鈥� Just imagine it, Fred!

(Emma kisses him on the cheek and exits: lights down slowly on Fred, as an uncharacteristic smile spreads on his face)

As lights come up on park bench, we see Emma and Lillian, having lunch.

LILLIAN I don鈥檛 see why we had to come out here to have lunch. There might be traffic on the ring road.

EMMA How many times have I taken you to the airport? And how many times were you late?

LILLIAN Past doesn鈥檛 predict the future. Let鈥檚 eat quickly and get going.

EMMA Come on, relax. Enjoy the view. So what are these conferences of yours like, anyway? The other women鈥o they ever talk about normal stuff? You know, life at home, talk about their kids?

LILLIAN No.

EMMA See, that鈥檚 interesting. Because when I go to the National Meeting for Cognitive Therapists, I meet the same group of women every year. We show off new pictures of kids and grandkids... Doesn鈥檛 ANYBODY

LILLIAN Come to think of it, the woman from Cal Tech has a kid, makes us all look at baby pictures. Oh, I say all the right things, like 鈥淗e鈥檚 getting so big鈥�. Of course he鈥檚 getting big, they must be feeding the poor kid Big Macs and beer, he looks like a Sumo wrestler! Other than that

EMMA How does that make you feel, when she does that? With the baby pictures?

LILLIAN Oh, Jesus!

EMMA Could you see yourself talking to her about kids? What it鈥檚 like, how to

LILLIAN These women aren鈥檛 my PALS, they鈥檙e my COMPETITORS.

(enter Terry, drinking cheap vodka and trying to sit down)

LILLIAN Look at this. Speak of the devil. A mother-to-be. What are you, twelve years old? Whatever possessed you to get knocked up?

EMMA Lillian!

LILLIAN I鈥檓 an educator. We need to educate people about controlling their animal impulses for the greater good. So, kid, you ever think about controlling your impulses? Before you got knocked up, did it ever occur to you

TERRY Ouch.

EMMA Let鈥檚 go.

TERRY Ouch!

LILLIAN No, wait a minute. This is important. Hey, you. Ouch girl. You鈥檙e drunk, aren鈥檛 you?

TERRY Ouch!

LILLIAN You know what that does to a kid, when Mom鈥檚 a drunk? You want to know what that鈥檚 like?

EMMA Lillian, stop it.

TERRY Ouch ouch ouch!

LILLIAN See this scar on my cheek? I tell everybody I got it playing hockey. See this mark on my arm? I say, I fell off a bike. Wanna drink yourself to death, be my guest, but don鈥檛 take some poor kid along for the ride. Why don鈥檛 you do the world a favor and get an abortion!

TERRY OUCH!

LILLIAN Too late for that, is it? Should have done that a while back. But wait, there鈥檚 the swan boats down there. Enough water to do the job. Take yourself out, and put the kid out of it鈥檚 misery, too, why don鈥檛 you?

EMMA She doesn鈥檛 mean it

LILLIAN The hell I don鈥檛!

EMMA (to Terry, digging out a wad of money from her purse and offering it) Here鈥檚 all I have on me, not much, but enough to get you a decent meal.

TERRY (to Lillian) OUCH OUCH OUCH!

(she runs away)

EMMA How can you be so cruel?

LILLIAN I鈥檓 not being cruel, I鈥檓 helping her. Giving her some reality therapy. You know why I don鈥檛 want kids! Because some day, I鈥檓 going to have another drink, and then another after that. I鈥檒l sober up, and then I鈥檒l drink again. This little charade with A.A., Sarah thinks it鈥檚 the be-all and the end-all. But I鈥檝e seen the studies, Emma. Once a drunk, always a drunk. So I stopped going. It鈥檚 only a matter of time. The best I can do, my absolute record, is fourteen months. And I鈥檓 coming right up to it.

EMMA You planning on drinking again?

LILLIAN Some part of me is.

EMMA You won鈥檛! She鈥檇 leave you. That鈥檚 what鈥檚 been keeping you sober, that she鈥檇/

LILLIAN Ah. Good news and bad news. The good news is, she really loves me. The bad news is, she really loves me. I figure, if it鈥檚 just the two of us, chances are she鈥檒l put up with it, a binge here and there. I鈥檒l always clean up; I鈥檒l always get my ass back on that wagon. As long as I have her. But I鈥檒l always look forward to the next one, you know? The next binge. But if there鈥檚 a baby involved鈥� (a pause: an embarrassed silence) So what鈥檚 the big important thing you wanted to talk about? Hurry up, I got a plane to catch!

EMMA Oh, nothing. Nothing really...Lily was hoping you鈥檇 bring her back something from Berlin. She鈥檚 collecting鈥� snow globes this year.

LILLIAN Now I can鈥檛 bring something just for Lily. What can I get for Sam?

EMMA Sam, get Sam anything with a dinosaur on it.

Later that night. Sarah and Lillian鈥檚 living room. Sarah is sitting on the sofa, fully clothed and very tense. Enter Fred.

FRED (knocks) Can I come in?

SARAH I suppose you鈥檒l have to.

FRED I brought some things to help the process along. (unpacks big bag with lots of stuff) Is Frank Sinatra okay?

SARAH You want MUSIC?

FRED I thought it was customary.

(Fred puts on CD of Frank Sinatra singing 鈥淪trangers in the Night鈥�: they sit on the sofa listening for a moment)

SARAH I don鈥檛 think this is going to help.

FRED WHAT?

SARAH (Yelling over the music) I don鈥檛 think this is a good idea!

FRED (he turns off the CD) All right, I suppose you can pick the music.

(his cell phone rings: it鈥檚 loud, it鈥檚 the 1812 Overture Ringtone)

SARAH What鈥檚 that?

FRED My phone.

SARAH Turn the damn thing off! First rule, no phones during鈥his.

FRED (turns it off quickly) Okay. Okay. Perfectly reasonable.

(Sarah鈥檚 cell phone rings: it鈥檚 鈥淩ockabye Baby鈥�, a lullaby ringtone, gets louder and louder)

If I have to turn MY phone off, then you have to-

(Sarah grabs her phone and tries to switch it off鈥t won鈥檛 stop, finally she throws it across the room, and it is broken).

SARAH I鈥檓 just not ready to march into that bedroom and

FRED Is it the bed? I thought about that, you might feel weird doing it in that particular bed. Some people

SARAH Not the bed. Well, yes, now that you mention it

FRED We could go to my place.

SARAH It鈥檚 not just the

FRED But you said you鈥檇 be distracted by Crick and Watson jumping on us. So you want a hotel room? That鈥檚 neutral territory. No cats, no memories of other people in the bed

SARAH Fred will you just stop! I mean, the whole thing. Maybe the whole thing鈥檚 wrong.

FRED Come on, I hear everybody gets cold feet right about now. I read a paper on it, in fact. Usually don鈥檛 read psychology, not a REAL science, but still, I thought last night I should at least browse through some material on human sexual response. The important thing is, don鈥檛 let those momentary thoughts get in the way.

SARAH Momentary thoughts.

FRED Yes. That鈥檚 why I brought in the music, you see. You鈥檙e not the only one.

SARAH You are also having 鈥渕omentary thoughts鈥�?

FRED Perfectly normal. Turns out cold feet is a very well-studied phenomenon. Who鈥檇 have thought?

SARAH But this isn鈥檛 ordinary cold feet, or momentary thoughts, or鈥his is a bad idea. You should go home.

FRED Telling me to go home, that鈥檚 classic 鈥渃old feet鈥� behavior. If Frank Sinatra doesn鈥檛 help, let鈥檚 try THIS.

(he pulls a bottle of champagne out of his bag)

SARAH You want to get me drunk? Think that鈥檚 going to solve everything?

FRED Not everything. Technically, nothing solves everything. This is supposed to solve some things. I imagine it鈥檚 supposed to solve the same stuff as the music, but since you don鈥檛 like music, well

SARAH You brought champagne for this? Champagne? That鈥檚 for celebrating, or christening a ship, not for THIS.

FRED The chap at the off license suggested it. He asked me what I was looking for, and I told him what our plans were, in general, so he suggested

SARAH You told the chap at the off license?

FRED He asked me. It was part of the service. He wanted to help me find exactly the right wine for the occasion. He was absolutely sure

SARAH You told him about the OCCASION?

FRED Like I said, in general. I didn鈥檛 go into detail.

SARAH God, Fred! That does it. No occasion. Not tonight.

FRED Look, I鈥檓 here because you wanted鈥ou said this was the night.

SARAH Well, it鈥檚 not.

FRED Oh. You鈥檙e not ovulating tonight?

SARAH On the contrary, I鈥檓 ovulating like mad. But just because it鈥檚 spring, doesn鈥檛 mean it鈥檚 time to plough.

(silence: then Fred starts humming Strangers in the Night)

What鈥檚 with you and that song, anyway?

FRED I鈥檝e got fond memories of that song.

SARAH Really?

FRED Whenever I鈥檓 at an academic conference, in the swanky hotel, after dinner, all the others seem to be having drinks with their friends, laughing, talking; but you know me. I just sit next to the piano player in the lounge. There鈥檚 always a piano player. And they always play Strangers in the Night.

Lillian can鈥檛 sit in the lounge, of course. She鈥檚 probably up in her room at the conference, all alone, going over her notes; likes to go over her notes the night before she presents a paper. Sipping a Perrier with lime, you know, the way she does.

What did she say when you told her, you know, that I, that I volunteered to give the鈥onation?

SARAH You鈥檒l have to ask Emma.

(an embarrassed silence)

On the other hand, this is really the best possible night to... Me ovulating, Lillian at the conference鈥�

FRED Timing is particularly important when it comes to fertilizing the mature female.

SARAH Okay. You鈥檙e right. Tonight鈥檚 the night. But we ought to go back to Plan B for the actualFRED I thought we decided that. I don鈥檛 think Plan B is optimal.

SARAH Well, it鈥檚 optimal for me.

FRED Supposing that鈥檚 true, it鈥檚 more important for our plan to be optimal for ME. All you have to do is lie there. I鈥檓 the one who has to鈥ou know.

SARAH Jesus, you can鈥檛 even SAY it, how the hell are you going to DO it?

FRED And that鈥檚 exactly the point, I鈥檓 the one who鈥檒l have to do it. So conditions should be optimal for ME. As a practical matter. Why don鈥檛 you just take off your underwear, and close your eyes, you can pretend it鈥檚

SARAH I can PRETEND?

FRED It鈥檒l probably be over before you know it.

SARAH This is not the way I imagined it.

FRED You think it鈥檚 the way I imagined it? Nobody imagines it like this, I鈥檇 venture to say, and yet, here we are.

SARAH Maybe it鈥檚 time for a drink.

FRED Sensible.

(he pops open the champagne and pours it into two paper cups he鈥檚 brought for the occasion)

SARAH This is WARM!

FRED He didn鈥檛 have any in the cooler. So-

SARAH Warm champagne from a plastic cup, and you, telling me to close my eyes and imagine

FRED The temperature doesn鈥檛 effect its ability to relax us. And you certainly need to relax.

(silence)

SARAH When I was a little girl, I thought babies came when two people bought a house together. Like a package, with the appliances. This house comes with an oven, a fridge, and baby girl. The ranch house down the road comes with a double garage and a baby boy. You know, that鈥檚 how I thought people got to pick. Couldn鈥檛 wait to grow up and buy a house.

FRED My mother told me babies came from God. I used to sit in St. John鈥檚 Church, waiting for one to plop down from the ceiling, so I could have a brother or a sister. Of course, by the time I was seven I鈥檇 had a good look at my father鈥檚 anatomy books. I thought to myself, I prefer the story about God. After I saw those books, it made perfect sense why I was an only child. But now, it seems like the right thing to do, you know? What those parts of us are designed to do. Form follows function, and all that鈥�

SARAH What do you think about names?

FRED Do I get any input into names?

SARAH Sure, I think you should.

FRED If it鈥檚 a boy, we could name him Frederick. I鈥檓 technically Frederick Ormond the Fourth. Don鈥檛 suppose the kid could technically be a Fifth, if he doesn鈥檛 have the same last name, but鈥y parents were very disappointed I never got married and produced a Fifth.

SARAH If it鈥檚 a girl, we could name her after my Mom. Kate. Katie. She would have been so excited. She was great about me coming out, the only thing that made her cry was the thought that I鈥檇 never have kids. Had a good cry about that. I wish I could still call her right up, and we could shop for baby clothes together. Don鈥檛 suppose you鈥檇 be interested in shopping for baby clothes?

FRED No, but toys鈥 could get excited about the toys. I buy Sam and Lily the most exquisite natural science kits, raise your own butterflies, make your own telescope鈥�

SARAH I can see Lillian doing that, can鈥檛 you?

(a beat of uncomfortable silence)

Plan B, Fred. It鈥檚 Plan B or nothing.

FRED Look, I had my doubts I could perform under Plan A, but Plan B, I could be here for days trying to make THAT work.

SARAH I could give you some magazines to look at or something. There鈥檚 got to be some porn on the internet you can try. We鈥檝e got a twenty-six inch screen in the study. The one attached to the Mac. Isn鈥檛 that what you normally use?

FRED What I normally use?

SARAH Look, no need to feel shy about it, for Christ sakes, here we are! Most men

FRED Do I look like most men?

SARAH No, and that鈥檚 a compliment.

FRED Thank you. But porn, any kind of鈥t鈥檚 just too ludicrous. Films of all kinds are ridiculous, of course, but those kinds are especially鈥ot that I鈥檝e seen any, but

SARAH So now you鈥檙e drawing conclusions based on, what? Based on your thorough study of porn sites? Your deep knowledge of

FRED Got me there, Sarah. Got me there. Caught me drawing conclusions from a data set too small to warrant any statistically significant conclusions.

(another moment of silence)

SARAH Don鈥檛 tell me you never-

FRED Well鈥ot on command!鈥t鈥檚 not like鈥�

SARAH You said on the phone, you could do the job!

FRED In theory, I can do the job. But in reality, the idea of doing it into a cup, and pouring it into a turkey baster鈥 get small just thinking about it. I mean SMALL, Sarah. Small down THERE.

SARAH Okay, I get the picture. Wish I didn鈥檛. I don鈥檛 want to think about your

FRED Okay.

(silence: he begins humming Strangers in the Night)

SARAH You鈥檙e a virgin, aren鈥檛 you? You lied to me, you son of a

FRED I didn鈥檛 lie. I鈥檓 not a virgin. Technically. There鈥檚 a wide variation in any species, you know. People think everybody does X, but it turns out only a subset does X. It may be a very big percentage of the cohort, but it鈥檚 still technically a subset, not a universe.

SARAH Translation?

FRED People are different. You, of all people, ought to understand-

SARAH True enough.

(silence)

So how many times have you actually done it?

FRED That鈥檚 my business.

SARAH Well, ordinarily, yes, but you鈥檙e one half of this poor kid鈥檚 gene pool, so-

FRED Got me again! That鈥檚 true. But this isn鈥檛 mechanical, its鈥ell, it鈥檚鈥ou can be safe knowing this is most likely the product of my environment, not my DNA. And since this baby isn鈥檛 going to be raised by my parents, our potential child wouldn鈥檛 likely be鈥ell鈥ike me. This is all very hurtful, you know. I鈥檓 trying to be nice. I鈥檓 trying to be helpful, and all I get for it is

SARAH You鈥檙e right! Oh, Fred, I鈥檓 so sorry. You鈥檙e doing me a massive favour. I just can鈥檛鈥 think it鈥檚 going to have to be the baster.

FRED You know, ever since you started talking about that business of seeing babies鈥�.sixteen people walking down the street and you see the one鈥he one in the buggy鈥ell, I鈥檝e started seeing it too. Only I see the ones with their fathers, the little hand in the big grown-up hand, the playing in the park, all that鈥ouching. Hand to hand, hand on the back, stroking the hair鈥y father鈥 don鈥檛 believe he actually touched me until I was ten. Won the county chess championship. Shook my hand for the very first time. I never forgot it. The feel of all that鈥ffection.

A child should be conceived鈥n affection, don鈥檛 you think? Plan A, I mean.

SARAH You know, it will never happen again.

FRED You might decide to have another one. Good to have them be true genetic siblings.

SARAH But it鈥檚 hardly the start of something鈥egular. You have to know that.

FRED I鈥檓 no wild-eyed romantic.

SARAH No, you鈥檙e not.

FRED So when you tell me, that鈥檚 it, well then, that鈥檚 it. But to create our baby, I just think it would be so much鈥icer. Not to use the baster.

SARAH Okay. But I鈥檓 going to need a lot more warm champagne鈥�

(lights fade as Fred sits closer to Sarah: Blackout. In the dark, we hear Strangers in the Night turned up louder, the sound of bed springs and muffled voices from the offstage 鈥渂edroom鈥�)

FRED You want me to move where? Oh. Oh. THERE!

SARAH Not so hard. Not so hard! Harder! Harder!

FRED Make up your mind!

SARAH Again. Again. A little to the left. I said LEFT!

FRED My left, or your left?

SARAH Shut the fuck up!

FRED How long do I need to keep doing this?

SARAH I knew it! You鈥檙e a fucking VIRGIN!

FRED Do you need me to stop?

SARAH Keep going, or I鈥檒l kill you, because we are NEVER doing this again, no matter/

(FRED climaxes, with a horrendous yell. Then a moment of silence)

FRED Was that good for you?

SARAH Get off! I have to put my legs in the air for the next ten minutes!

FRED I don鈥檛 think that鈥檚 scientifically proven to do/

SARAH GET OFF!

FRED Okay.

(FRED re-enters the Living Room from the offstage Bedroom, wearing one of Sarah鈥檚 robes. He heads straight to his cell phone. Turns it on. Listens. Then drops the phone.) Sarah? Sarah, I got a message from Emma. You鈥檙e going to want to hear this!

SARAH (from off stage) I have six more minutes to go. Put it on Speaker Phone.

FRED Okay.

SOUND: EMMA鈥橲 voice coming through the Speaker Phone

EMMA Fred? Listen, I tried calling Sarah four times, but I couldn鈥檛鈥isten up, Fred. Don鈥檛 go through with it. IT. Lillian specifically did not want you to be the donor. Don鈥檛 ask her about it, it鈥檚 not personal, she鈥檚 just鈥he鈥檚 just weird about it. So we鈥檒l have to find another plan, okay?

SARAH (Still from offstage) Shit!

FRED I think you can put your legs down now.

SARAH (still from offstage) Bollocks. No sense wasting it.

One month later. Monday. Sarah and Lillian鈥檚 place, about 10 am . Sarah鈥檚 there, reading a copy of What to Expect When You鈥檙e Expecting; enter Fred.

SARAH Thanks for coming round. You didn鈥檛 say a word to

FRED I told Lillian I had to meet with the Dean. Why all the cloak and dagger?

SARAH I鈥檓 pregnant.

FRED That鈥檚 highly unlikely..

SARAH The thingie turned pink. Three times.

FRED Wow. So, that鈥檚 that. Congratulations, I suppose.

SARAH Yup.

FRED Really, just the one time, and

SARAH Apparently. Guess you鈥檙e pretty potent.

FRED Oh, well, me, but YOU, you must be extremely fertile.

SARAH Who knew?

FRED Exactly. So, when are you telling Lillian?

SARAH ME?

FRED Yes. I鈥檓 looking forward to hearing you explain it.

SARAH Maybe I should practice on you first.

(clears her throat, stands up)

Lillian, while you were gone, Emma told me to sleep with your boss, and now I鈥檓 pregnant.

FRED Well, that went well, I鈥檇 say that was a good job, right straight to the point.

SARAH It wasn鈥檛 so hard.

FRED No! Not so hard at all! Just one word in front of the other, and鈥�

SARAH Fred, you have to do it.

FRED I think I鈥檝e already done my part.

(a beat of uncomfortable silence)

Strictly speaking, this is Emma鈥檚 fault. She should tell her. Besides鈥mma鈥檚 a professional! She probably tells people all the time all sorts of things they don鈥檛 want to hear, like they need medication, or they shouldn鈥檛 expect to feel better after the first visit. And if anybody could use some counseling right about now, it鈥檚 Lillian鈥�

(a beat of silence, as they all imagine this)

SARAH When I had the flu, I watched Jeremy Kyle. When somebody has a secret, they get the clueless person on the show, and then Jeremy tells them. Wish we could do THAT.

FRED Bet that鈥檚 fun to watch. Perhaps we should contextualize it as a kind of accident.

SARAH You accidentally put your penis in my vagina

FRED Don鈥檛 think Lillian鈥檚 going to get the joke.

(a beat of silence)

Someone should tell her right away. Tonight.

SARAH Or wait for the right moment. Exactly the right moment. That would be the other way to go.

FRED Don鈥檛 suppose you鈥檇 consider鈥nd then we wouldn鈥檛 have to say anything.

SARAH No.

FRED Of course. I understand. When does it begcome, um, physically obvious?

SARAH Depends. I鈥檓 in pretty good shape. Might not be for a few weeks. Maybe even a couple of months!

FRED A couple of months! That sounds better, doesn鈥檛 it?

SARAH And you know her so well, you can pick just the right moment to tell her. She won鈥檛 be angry with you; she鈥檚 never angry with you.

FRED I suppose I could wait for exactly the right moment.

SARAH I knew I could count on you, Fred! Right, then. I feel better now. We鈥檝e got a plan.

FRED Plans are good.

(she starts to leave the room)

Where are you going?

SARAH I鈥檓 going to throw up.

A month later, about 4 pm. Cambridge park. We see Sarah, sitting on the park bench, reading 鈥淲hat to Expect When You鈥檙e Expecting鈥�. Enter Terry, very drunk, and much more visibly pregnant, drinking cheap vodka, obviously wants to sit down, but doesn鈥檛. Instead, Terry starts to walk away from the bench, very unhappily

TERRY Ouch.

SARAH Excuse me, did you say something?

TERRY OUCH.

SARAH Is there something wrong?

TERRY OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

SARAH What鈥檚 the matter? (silence)

TERRY (very softly) Ouch.

SARAH When are you due? (she gently walks Terry over to the bench) My baby鈥檚 due in March. Won鈥檛 that be lovely?

TERRY (At the mention of the word 鈥渂aby鈥� she perks up, then launches into an impromptu concert to the tune of 鈥淩ock a bye Baby鈥�) Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch;

Ouch ouch ouch ouch.

SARAH What?

TERRY (the next phrase of the song)

Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch;

Ouch ouch ouch ouch.

SARAH Aren鈥檛 you a puzzle. My name鈥檚 Sarah. What鈥檚 your name? A little shy, are we?

TERRY (as if answering her question with a guess) Ouch?

SARAH Can you tell me why you say 鈥淥uch鈥� all the time?

(Terry pulls a small note pad out of her pocket, and a pencil: she writes a note and gives it to Sarah, who reads it aloud)

鈥淥uch isn鈥檛 a word. It鈥檚 an interjection.鈥� I knew that鈥� Can I say it, too?

(Terry looks at her carefully, and finally nods her assent, and Sarah shouts the same way she has been shouting)

OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

(Sarah, exhausted by this, sits back down on the bench)

That felt good. Wish you could talk. I could use some advice.

TERRY Ouch.

SARAH What about when the baby comes?

(Terry writes)

鈥淎doption鈥�. Oh.

TERRY Ouch.

SARAH Well, even if you do that, until it鈥檚 born, you鈥檙e a Mom. You know that, right? Because you鈥檙e not stupid. You鈥檙e responsible for taking care of that baby right now. Because once you鈥檙e pregnant, the baby comes first, that鈥檚 what you have to tell yourself. I鈥檝e got to go now, but I鈥檓 going to leave you with some money. I want you to promise me you鈥檒l only use it for food. No more drinking.

TERRY Ouch!

SARAH You heard me. Once you鈥檙e pregnant, the baby comes first, that鈥檚 what you have to tell yourself. The baby comes first. No matter what.

(Sarah fishes for money in her purse, puts a bunch of one dollar bills on the bench)

This is for food. And here鈥檚 a card for an AA meeting, in the church over there. I have a friend who goes there.

TERRY Ouch!

SARAH No, really. It鈥檚 not me. I have a friend who鈥h, never mind. The point is鈥aybe next time I see you, you鈥檒l be drinking something good for you鈥ood for the both of you.

(Terry gives her the money and the card back, sits down on the bench)

Take the money. For the baby.

(Sarah puts the money, and the card, on the bench and exits. Terry carefully picks the card and the money up, puts the money in her pocket, looks at the card, and walks off)

Same day. Sarah and Lillian鈥檚 apartment, 6:30, after an early dinner. As lights go up, Lillian is starting to pack papers in her briefcase. Enter Sarah.

SARAH Where are you going? I told you, I need to talk to you鈥�

LILLIAN That thing. My speech. You know. It鈥檚 on the calendar

SARAH You were supposed to come home earlier.

LILLIAN So, I forgot. Program starts at eight o鈥檆lock sharp, so

SARAH It鈥檚 only six thirty!

LILLIAN I have to go back to the lab first. I don鈥檛 have time to explain.

SARAH Can鈥檛 you skip going to the lab, just this once?

LILLIAN No, not if I want tenure. You do want me to get tenure, right?

SARAH Of course, but

LILLIAN Can鈥檛 have lots of fun in Barbados on a teacher鈥檚 salary. Especially what they pay you down at the zoo.

SARAH Don鈥檛 call it that.

LILLIAN Just keep thinking about Barbados.

SARAH I鈥檓 not so interested in Barbados anymore. There are better ways to spend money.

LILLIAN Are you joking? There are NO better ways to spend money than Barbados. (She takes Sarah in her arms and begins waltzing her around). Warm sun, exactly the right temperature for human happiness. We鈥檒l stop fighting and start kissing鈥nd dancing鈥�

SARAH I cancelled the tickets.

(the dance stops abruptly)

I went to the park to think, I went to Our Bench, and that鈥檚 when I decided. Because today was the deadline. To get all our money back.

LILLIAN Cancelled Barbados. And for what?

SARAH Babies are expensive.

LILLIAN We鈥檝e already been through this

SARAH What can I say that will get you to agree? Tell me, love. Tell me.

LILLIAN I鈥檝e got to go to the Career Day extravaganza and give a dazzling speech. Then I鈥檓 going to talk to our travel agent about your temporary insanity.

SARAH Listen to me!

LILLIAN I鈥檝e listened! None of it is persuasive.

(a beat)

SARAH See how persuasive it is when you come home and I鈥檓 gone. Did you hear me that time, Lillian? GONE!

LILLIAN You鈥檙e bluffing.

SARAH You don鈥檛 want to be inconvenienced, you don鈥檛 want to have to clean up, you

LILLIAN Give me some credit!

SARAH So what is it, then?

LILLIAN Okay, say we have this baby together, and something happens. Maybe at work, maybe the experiment falls apart, maybe I have a drink. And then another one.

SARAH That鈥檚 not going to happen. You promised me you鈥檇 stop, and you did. You promised me you鈥檇 go to AA, and every Tuesday night鈥�.

LILLIAN I go to the lab on Tuesday nights. I don鈥檛 know how people do that 12 step shit, listen to idiots confess their sins in a chorus of regrets鈥�

SARAH But you promised!

LILLIAN I promised to stay sober. And I tried. But we鈥檙e great repeaters, you know? Genes repeating patterns, cells dividing. No self-respecting cancer cell gets up one morning and says, 鈥淕ee, I鈥檓 supposed to repeat my pattern, but I think I鈥檒l just up and turn myself benign.鈥� My mother was a drunk, her mother was a drunk, and鈥鈥檓 tired, Sarah. I鈥檓 tired, and I want a drink.

SARAH What if I told you that I鈥檓 getting pregnant, anyway?

LILLIAN Then I鈥檇 say, that鈥檚 why God created abortion clinics.

SARAH That鈥檚 really what you鈥檇 say?

LILLIAN I have to go give a speech.

SARAH Really? Fine. Do what you want. But you鈥檙e coming home to an empty house.

LILLIAN You鈥檒l get over this, you鈥檒l see.

(SARAH goes offstage to the bedroom, returns with a suitcase, opens it in front of Lillian, starts throwing things into the suitcase)

SARAH You go give your speech, Lill. And you can bring the bottle home with you this time, because I won鈥檛 be here to stop you. Nobody鈥檚 going to stop you any more.

Later that night. Lillian sitting on the park bench, waiting for Emma.

EMMA (as she enters) So what鈥檚 the big emergency?

LILLIAN Sarah鈥檚 leaving me! She鈥檚 LEAVING. You have to talk to Sarah for me. Call her for me. Right now.

EMMA Calm down! Did Sarah tell you WHY she was leaving you?

LILLIAN She cancelled Barbados, cancelled the tickets, she still has this baby fantasy, as if

EMMA Fantasy?

(pause)

She鈥檚 pregnant鈥red was supposed to tell you.

LILLIAN Why would Fred tell me?

EMMA You said you didn鈥檛 want an anonymous donor. So I thought the perfect solution would be鈥on鈥檛 look at me like that! When you said no, I tried to call it off, but the phone keeps dropping calls out here鈥ou know, sometimes it drops calls out here in the park, you know, it鈥檚 happened to you, too. Right? Bloody O2鈥�

LILLIAN And you didn鈥檛 tell me because鈥o ahead, Emma. You鈥檝e had lots of time to make up a story. Keep going. I want to hear the whole thing.

EMMA We didn鈥檛 want to tell you because鈥ecause it would upset you鈥ut it was just the one time, it wouldn鈥檛 possibly work just the one time, that鈥檚 what we all thought, but鈥ut鈥hen you look at that baby, you鈥檒l see Sarah, and Fred together, all those lovely science genes, and all those lovely Sarah genes鈥� the people you love most in the world

LILLIAN 鈥ho did this to me behind my back!

EMMA We were trying to help

LILLIAN Help? Did I ever ask you for help?

EMMA Somebody always has to take care of Lillian. Fred and me, we鈥檙e the team. We鈥檝e been taking care of Lillian, that鈥檚 the only reason he had sex with

LILLIAN They鈥� slept together?

EMMA They just鈥nd it was just the one time!

LILLIAN Thanks. Thanks for doing such a great job taking care of Lillian. Guess there鈥檚 nothing left to say. And if there were, I sure as hell couldn鈥檛 say it; not now, not while I鈥檓 still sober.

That night, 8 pm, the lecture hall indicated by a portable podium, maybe with a school seal on it. As lights come up, we see Lillian enter, maybe through the audience, with her vodka bottle. Looks around at the audience, and begins.

LILLIAN Sorry I鈥檓 a little late. Got held up. Not really. I mean, not literally. Nobody held me up with a gun and took my money. Although that has happened to me once or twice. Stay indoors after midnight, that鈥檚 my first piece of advice for the day. Which is why I try to drink early in the evening. On those rare occasions when I drink. Lucky for you, this is one of those rare occasions. Otherwise, this would be dull as shit. Or one of my courses.

(she takes another, sloppy drink from the bottle)

Why did I get stuck giving this lecture on Women in Science? I actually volunteered to do this. I could be in my lab doing real work, but, no, I volunteered to do this. Why? I鈥檓 one of only two female chemistry professors here. When I go to an academic conference, I鈥檓 the only woman on the panel. This makes it hard to get dates. I figure, if I ever want to have sex with a woman who understands me, I鈥檓 just going to have to do my bit to get more women to take up science.

(She takes another drink)

Good. Now all the homophobes have left the room.

(Fred enters from the audience; he鈥檚 heard the last few minutes of the speech)

FRED Dr. Lawrence, perhaps you ought to sit down and let me finish this little talk?

LILLIAN Fred, what are you doing here? This is my co-author, King of the Lab Rats, Aren鈥檛 you enjoying my presentation?

FRED Dr. Lawrence has been under a great deal of stress lately, so I鈥檒l just鈥�

LILLIAN Oh, come on. There鈥檚 only six students here. Let me have some fun. Besides that, have you got any particular insights into the world of Women Scientists? Grow any breasts while I wasn鈥檛 looking? Sit down, Fred. Sit down and enjoy the show.

FRED Dr. Lawrence is not herself

LILLIAN Doctor Lawrence is exactly what her DNA tells her to be, alcoholism鈥檚 a little gift on the double helix, only they call it a TENDENCY. Like you could choose to follow it along, or not. You know what a tendency is? Your genes calling you up in the middle of the god-damn night, your chemistry singing along your synapses, LISTEN UP. Can鈥檛 you hear it? Sending you off into blissful satisfaction of that genomic itch.

FRED Let鈥檚 hear it for Doctor Lawrence!

(he gamely tries to start applause)

What an inspiring talk!

(he starts shooing the students toward the exit)

Remember, there is a full schedule of chemistry courses in the flyer you can take on your way out, along with a brochure for new modules!

My God, Lillian, are you TRYING to get fired?

LILLIAN You鈥檙e all I鈥檝e got, Fred. You, and our lab, and Mother Courage Mouse, screwing up ten years of research鈥�

(Fred opens his cell phone)

Who are you calling? Gonna have them come and take me away, Fred?

FRED I鈥檓 calling Sarah, so she will come and take you home.

LILLIAN When were you going to tell me about your night with my wife?

(a long pause)

FRED I was waiting for Sarah to tell you鈥�

LILLIAN Sarah. Hah. She鈥檚 gone. You bastard.

FRED She鈥檒l be back. In the mean time鈥�.

LILLIAN No, she鈥檚 going. She鈥檚 packing up. Packing up to leave.

FRED She鈥檒l come back Sarah鈥檚 too level-headed鈥�.

LILLIAN Not anymore. Brain chemistry all fucked up. She鈥檚 havin鈥� your baby! Imagine that! Brain chemistry, all askew, out of joint, unbalanced鈥�

FRED Not out of joint, right on schedule. I think it鈥檚 great, and

LILLIAN Good for you. I hope you two will be happy together, and someone will be able to decipher my notes.

FRED Let鈥檚 go get some coffee and sober you up.

LILLIAN That would ruin the whole glorious effect! See, she鈥檚 right to leave. She鈥檚 right, and what I did tonight, going back to my first romance here, that鈥檚 the end of the experiment.

FRED You don鈥檛 have results yet.

LILLIAN This, this, my used-to-be friend, THIS is a result.

FRED Preliminary.

LILLIAN Fits a pattern.

FRED You don鈥檛 know the strength of one of your variables.

LILLIAN The hell I don鈥檛.

FRED You鈥檙e biased. You see what you expect to see.

LILLIAN I am a trained scientist. A trained, drunk, research scientist.

FRED What do you see when you look at me?

LILLIAN I dunno; Fred? The guy who loves my wife?

FRED The guy who loves you.

LILLIAN What do you mean, 鈥渓ove鈥�, love me -

FRED Part of you sees it plain as day, but doesn鈥檛 want to know. Bias. Bias! You can鈥檛 pass judgment on your own experiment. There. I proved it.

LILLIAN Christ, Fred! Poor Fred! Poor Fred, who fucked my wife, because..because he loves ME鈥�

(she starts to leave)

FRED We鈥檙e going to publish. Shame you won鈥檛 be there. Surprising results. Maybe even a Nobel.

LILLIAN (stops and turns back to Fred) What do you mean, results?

FRED Mother Courage. She鈥檚 not the end of the experiment. Just the start of a new one. While you were gone, I鈥檝e been watching her. When she goes to feed her babies, there鈥檚 a moment鈥ou can see it on the video. A hesitation. The control group, they don鈥檛 have it. She鈥檚 getting the message loud and clear, the message we gave her, that she shouldn鈥檛鈥o she stops. But then, there鈥檚 another moment, and you can see it. Intention. In a brain that small. In an animal we were all sure was controlled only by instinct. So tomorrow, when we dissect her, we鈥檙e going to see what she鈥檚 been doing to her own brain chemistry. Doing by sheer force of will. She鈥檚 changing her brain. The way we change ours. We change ours all the time. You know that.

We can make our brains do almost anything. We can make love to one woman, and in our minds, it鈥檚 someone else entirely. We can make families anyway we can. With whatever material we鈥檝e got.

(a long silence)

LILLIAN I鈥檓 going to the park. To Our Bench. You bastard, you tell Sarah I need to talk to her at Our Bench鈥�

FRED You want to talk to Sarah?

LILLIAN Not negotiable! My demands are non-negotiable. Would you go and find her?

FRED Of course.

LILLIAN You鈥檇 do that for me?

FRED Yes.

LILLIAN Can鈥檛 ask you to do that. Can鈥檛 ask you to do something I should do myself. So don鈥檛, okay? But if she wants to find me, I鈥檒l be at our bench.

10 pm. As lights come up on Sarah and Lillian鈥檚 apartment, Sarah is packing her clothes, and as fast as she puts clothes in the suitcase, Fred takes them out.

FRED You can鈥檛 be serious about this.

SARAH Looks pretty serious to me.

FRED You can鈥檛 leave now!

SARAH Why not?

FRED She鈥檚 drinking again.

SARAH That鈥檚 no longer my problem, now, is it?

FRED She gave the most interesting Career Night lecture in the history of Cambridge. Anybody finds out, she鈥檚 toast. She wants to meet you in the park. You have to go.

SARAH This baby鈥檚 going to be where she鈥檚 wanted, where every face she sees is loving, and kind, and happy to see her. And sober enough to take good care of her. That鈥檚 all that matters now. Lillian鈥檚 a grown-up, she can fend for herself.

FRED Can you do that to the woman you love?

SARAH Maybe I can

FRED Well I can鈥檛. There are parts of her you鈥檒l never know. There are parts of her that are all mine. That鈥檚 why I wanted to鈥o make a baby. To share a baby鈥ith Lillian.

SARAH I was making a baby to share with Lillian! Now I鈥檓 just having my baby.

(She continues to pack)

FRED You鈥檙e carrying a child that belongs at least, to the two of us.

SARAH I have a right to go wherever the fuck I want!

FRED You better stay right here, where you belong. Lillian needs you.

SARAH Really? Or else? What?

FRED One paternity test, and bingo, that child is legally my child as well, with visitation rights, and all the rest. I can make this a very鈥nconvenient situation. I can make this a very鈥 don鈥檛 want to be, but鈥� It鈥檚 not my choice to be鈥ifficult. But I will if necessary. You love her, too, or I wouldn鈥檛 ask

SARAH Asking? Is that what this is?

FRED She鈥檚 waiting for you. That should tell you everything.

SARAH She鈥檒l always love to drink more than she loves me

FRED She鈥檚 waiting for you. Even after she knows a baby is coming, she鈥檚 waiting for you! She won鈥檛 drink with a child in the house, not after there鈥檚 a child in the house; you know that, and she does, too. Some part of her knows that. So you have to go to her.

SARAH I鈥檓 not going to be pushed into anything!

FRED Oh. Well. We鈥檝e all done a fair bit of pushing, haven鈥檛 we?

(Lights crossfade to the bench: Sarah and Fred vanish into the darkness, and it remains ambiguous as to whether or not Sarah has left to find Lillian)

The park bench. Enter Lillian, very drunk, and still drinking from a vodka bottle as she enters with a box from the lab. She puts the box and the bottle down carefully on the bench. Opens her cell phone, hits the speed dial, and Lillian and the audience hears Sarah鈥檚 voice on tape:

SARAH鈥橲 VOICE ON TAPE You have reached the phone of Sarah Portman. Leave us a message and I will call you back. Don鈥檛 forget to wait for the beep!

LILLIAN (Talks on her cell phone while pacing back and forth, VERY DRUNK) No, I don鈥檛 want to wait for the fucking beep! I demand that you meet me in the park. At our bench. Sarah Portman, you come out and meet me at our bench.

(TERRY enters, sober for the first time in a year, hoping to sleep on her favorite bench for the night)

LILLIAN (back to the cell phone) Sarah! Please call鈥lease come get me鈥�

TERRY Ouch!

LILLIAN Do you mind! I鈥檓 having a conversation with a mobile phone over here!

TERRY Ouch.

LILLIAN You seem oddly familiar. Or maybe you just seem鈥dd.

(Lillian puts away her phone)

Yeah, I know. Might as well talk to the mice.

(she picks up the box to talk to the mice)

How you doin鈥� in there? Keepin鈥� those babies nice and warm? How about I stick my scarf in there, think that鈥檇 help?

(she takes her scarf off and puts it in the box; then, to Terry)

You stay away from my mice.

TERRY Ouch.

LILLIAN And go away, this is my bench.

TERRY OUCH.

LILLIAN Life鈥檚 hard for all of us, pal. Suck it up and take it. And leave!

TERRY (refusing to leave, sits down, makes it clear that this is HER bench, too) Ouch.

LILLIAN (resigned to sharing her bench, too tired to fight anymore) Got anything left in that bottle?

(Terry offers her bottle)

This is sure some watered down cheap shit鈥�.Whoa! This is water! The fuck? Don鈥檛 tell me you鈥檙e on the wagon?

TERRY Ouch.

LILLIAN Oh, man! Why鈥檇 you want to go and do that for?

(Terry writes a note and hands it to Lillian, who reads it aloud)

鈥淔or the baby.鈥�

TERRY Ouch.

LILLIAN Think that鈥檚 going to last? Let鈥檚 ask my mouse鈥his is her house. I got her a portable mouse house, and liberated her. Saved her furry little arse, I did. I鈥檓 a fucking hero, I am鈥hat鈥檚 not true. She鈥檚 the one鈥e did everything we could to her, whole team of professors and post-docs, Experiments R Us, that鈥檚 what we are, and we tried to make her a selfish diva bitch, but no, she stood right up to us鈥he stood right up to all of us and said, 鈥淔uck off, I鈥檓 takin鈥� care of my babies鈥�. She got babies in there. You wanna see?

(Terry moves to come close to the box, but Lillian pulls away)

No, it鈥檚 too cold. She鈥檚 got babies in there, tiny, tiny ones. They got no hair in there. Bald little babies in there. She got six of 鈥榚m to keep warm. Imagine breast-feeding six of 鈥榚m!

TERRY Ouch!

LILLIAN I know!

LILLIAN (con鈥檛) Would you watch the mice for me? I鈥檓 going to go down the river, where the punts are, see if Sarah鈥檚 coming. It鈥檚 pretty shallow, that water, but some of it鈥檚 deep. There鈥檚 always a pair of swans on that little island there. Swans, they mate for life. And if I don鈥檛 come back鈥nd if I don鈥檛 come back鈥� would you please take care of my mice?

(As Lillian starts to get up, Terry holds her arm and keeps her on the bench. Terry holds Lillian and rocks with her on the bench, and sings a little bit of Rock a Bye Baby to her in 鈥淥uch鈥�)

TERRY Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

Ouch ouch ouch ouch.

Ouch ouch ouch ouch, ouch

Ouch ouch ouch ouch.

LILLIAN Nice like that. Nice without the words. You know the words?

鈥淲hen the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,

And down will come baby, cradle and all鈥�.

That鈥檚 a sad thing to sing to a baby, isn鈥檛 it?

TERRY Ouch.

LILLIAN If I had a baby, I鈥檇 sing it just like you.

TERRY Ouch.

LILLIAN I read a book once, said the whole world was one big experiment run by鈥ait for it鈥� the mice.

You know why we do experiments? 鈥楥ause we don鈥檛 know anything! That鈥檚 right! People think, hey, the folks in the lab coats, they KNOW a lotta shit, but it鈥檚 not true. Think you know something, like 鈥渁ll swans are white.鈥� Pretty sure about it. Practically positive. But you don鈥檛 actually know, do you? Tomorrow morning, we could wake up and find a black swan down there, integrating the pond. Barack O鈥橲wana! Hey, I made a joke, I never make jokes. See? Anything鈥檚 possible. Not likely, but possible.

(Terry takes Lillian鈥檚 hand, and places it carefully on her pregnant belly. A moment of amazement, as they share in the baby鈥檚 strong movement in Terry鈥檚 womb)

LILLIAN Tomorrow I could wake up, and be the best fucking lesbian Mum in the history of lesbian Mums. Maybe you鈥檒l be the fucking formerly-homeless Mother of the Year. Can鈥檛 say for sure either way. 鈥楾ill it鈥檚 over, it鈥檚 just a fucking hypothesis.

(a beat: SARAH has entered, and is watching and listening to LILLIAN, but is unseen by her)

Any minute now, she鈥檚 going to come runnin鈥� up that path. I know she will. Because she loves me, did I tell you that? She does. We鈥檙e having a baby, too.

( Slow fade to The Gymnopedies)

END OF PLAY