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I鈥檒l be out in a minute. No, in a minut...

Hello, Goodbye, Peace

Alina

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I鈥檒l be out in a minute. No, in a minute. Fine, come in. Close the door. You want to know why I鈥檓 鈥渉iding鈥� in here? Because out there your mother鈥檚 all 鈥淗appy Turkey Day, Sally!鈥� and 鈥淲e鈥檙e so pleased you decided to host this year鈥� and 鈥淵ou鈥檙e making such a lovely home for our son鈥� and finally 鈥淥h, doesn鈥檛 she look pretty in that dress I bought her, dear?鈥� to which your father replies 鈥淢mm-hmm, sweeter than pumpkin pie.鈥�

I wanted to reply 鈥淚鈥檓 so glad that despite the eight mergers I helped broker between sustainable energy companies for work, it鈥檚 the smell of turkey in the oven and the way I wear a Laura Ashley dress that proves I鈥檓 worth my salt.鈥�

Instead I say 鈥淭hanks 鈥� let me check on the turkey.鈥�

Did you know your mother called me last month? Asked me to do this for you. Said you complained about last year to her. Said you didn鈥檛 have the heart to tell me that eating Tofurky with my girlfriends while watching back-to-back screenings of Dances with Wolves and Last of the Mohicans wasn鈥檛 really your thing.

I thought you liked my anti-establishment thanksgiving 鈥渢hing鈥� as much as I did. I thought you agreed that the genocide and subjugation of an indigenous people by a stronger invading culture was not cause for annual celebration. And maybe your mother had just heard what she wanted to hear, or taken something you鈥檇 said out of context.

So I went to you and I asked 鈥淲hat would you think about having a more traditional thanksgiving this year with your parents?鈥�

To which you replied 鈥淪ure, that鈥檇 be nice.鈥� I thought you鈥檇 say 鈥淏ut honey, aren鈥檛 you opposed to cooking and eating animals when there are perfectly good plant foods we can enjoy?鈥� But no, you were strangely uninquisitive, just 鈥淪ure, that鈥檇 be nice.鈥� Like my sudden transformation from animal rights advocate into Stepford wife turkey killer was perfectly normal.

And maybe I should have just freaked out at that point and let you know how upset I was. I don鈥檛 know, I was in shock.

So I just said 鈥淲ell, but maybe not. We don鈥檛 want to be like the rest of America, contributing to the November Turkey Genocide.鈥� I joked 鈥淲e couldn鈥檛 live with the guilt.鈥�

And you said: 鈥淲ell its only one month out of the year, and besides the president pardons a turkey to make up for it.鈥�

I decided to learn about the pardoned turkey鈥檚 happy retirement to soothe myself. In the process I uncovered urban legend keepers who tell of a wealthy 鈥渂enefactor鈥� who donates millions each year to the farm where the pardoned turkey goes. In exchange, the pardoned turkey is transferred to his estate. And then, according to black-market-turkey.com, the benefactor eats our national symbol for mercy and kindness.

So most likely, the story of the pardoned turkey is a fairy tale we sell the masses to alleviate their collective guilt, when in actuality some rich bastard is stealing that turkey鈥檚 retirement every year!

All this month, I kept hoping any moment you鈥檇 grant me a reprieve, let me off the hook. Tell me it wasn鈥檛 right for me to make this sacrifice. That it was okay if I wanted to spend the holiday in a sweat lodge saying penance. But instead you stood idly by as I cooked away my identity so your family could have 鈥渁 nice dinner.鈥�

No, I guess there really are no pardons for turkey鈥檚 tonight, John. I鈥檓 a real turkey for going along with all of this. And you鈥檙e a real turkey for letting me.

Now go back out there, please. I told you. I need a minute.

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